The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged.

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to God, they decided to send it to the President.                     

The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and the government deducted $95 in taxes.

One Liner

Question: Have we tried exploding all of the food to see if it makes it better, or did we just stop with corn?

A professor gave a big exam to his students. When he collected the papers, one student had attached a $100 bill with a note saying: “A dollar per point.”

The next day the student got his test score and $64 change.

One Liner

Time-saving tip: Everything can be filed under Miscellaneous.

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.

To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.”

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of  headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.

“Oh, OK!” said the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

One Liner

Tip: Save business cards of people you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidentally, just write, “Sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on.

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.” 

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either.

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.