Nick lives in a subdivision that branches off the main highway.  He drives a Corvette, and thinks the only two speeds are “STOP” and “FULL SPEED.”

One day, when he was late for work, he comes tearing out the road from his house, tops the little hill before getting to the main road, and sees a police car blocking the road.  He slams on the brakes and comes to a screeching halt about 6 inches from the police car.  The policeman, who had often seen him driving fast, walked up and said, “Mister, I’ve been waiting for you all morning…”

Nick replied “Well gosh, I got here as fast as I could!”

One Liner

If poison is past its expiration date, does that mean it’s less or more poisonous?

Two airhead carpenters are nailing new siding to a house. About half of the nails that carpenter #1 pulls out of his bag of nails are tossed over his shoulder. The others are successfully used to put up the siding. 

Carpenter #2 asks, “What are you doing?!?”

The first carpenter replies, “I can’t use about half of these nails because they’re pointed in the wrong direction!”

The second carpenter tells him, “Don’t be stupid. Those are for the other side of the house!”

One Liner

Why hire someone with a divining rod to find water when a kid with new shoes will do it for free?

• “Why shouldn’t you trust a pastry chef on Valentine’s Day?” “Because he’ll dessert you.”
• “What do you give your Valentine in France?” “A big quiche.”
• “What do you tell a pig on February 14?” “Happy Valen-swine’s Day!”
• “Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?” “Yes, it’s February 14.”
• “What did the tortoise say on Valentine’s Day?” “I turt-ally love you.”
• “How did the squirrel get his Valentine’s attention?” “He acted like a nut.”
• “How do you keep a jewelry store save on Valentine’s Day?” “You locket.”
• “What do you call sweets that can keep a beat?” “Candy rappers.”
• “What do you call a romance that starts at the aquarium?” “Guppy love.”
  
  

BAAAD EXCUSES WHY MEN FORGET A GIFT ON VALENTINE’S DAY

~ The florist couldn’t find your house. Did you move?

~ I sent a candy-gram. Someone must have eaten it.

~ The Hallmark store was closed, and I didn’t want to send less than the very best.

~ I sent an e-mail card. You never got it? Google must have messed up again!

~ I didn’t know you liked jewelry.

~ I thought we would do something different this year.

~ You didn’t remind me.

One Liner

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

THE VALENTINE’S DAY TEN COMMANDMENTS

I. I am thy Main Squeeze; thou shalt have no other squeeze before me.
II. Thou shalt not take the name of thy Squeeze in vain, nor badmouth her behind her back.
III. Remember our Anniversary, and keep it holy–or else.
IV.  Honor MY mother and father. THINE are just too weird.
V.  Thou shalt not kill my love by behaving tackily or cause undue embarrassment when I am with thee.
VI.  Thou shalt not commit adultery, nor shalt thou even THINK about it least you be smitten from the earth.
VII. Thou shalt not steal from my wallet/purse while I am in the bath, nor use my credit cards.
VIII. Thou shalt not talk about our personal problems to our friends.
IX. Thou shalt not covet the higher market price of thy neighbor’s house without first puttin’ down the remote and learnin’ how to use a paintbrush!
X.  Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s main Squeeze, nor his son, nor his daughter, nor his stereo, nor his BMW, nor anything else that belongs to thy neighbor.

One Liner

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A large passenger plane is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 35,000 feet, when suddenly an F-22 Raptor appears. The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: “Airbus flight, a boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!” 

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the plane and asks, “Well, how was that?” 

The airplane pilot answers: “Very impressive, but now have a look here!” 

The jet pilot watches the plane, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the plane pilot radioed, “Well, what are you saying now?” 

The jet pilot asks confused: “What did you do?” 

The other laughs and says, “I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake.”

One Liner

Greg went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarzenegger dolls are and he replied, “Aisle B, back.”