Can’t get away for a ski vacation?  Just do this:

*  Buy a pair of expensive gloves and immediately throw one away.

*  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button, and let the spray blast your face.

*  Visit your local butcher and pay $10 to sit in his walk-in freezer for half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $100 dollar bills to warm up.

*  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. 

There.  Now just sit down and wait for Spring.

One Liner

Do two normal people make one paranormal?

CAR CLASSIFIED AD CLAIMS

If the car ad claims . . . what it really means

~ rough condition . . . too bad to lie about

~ parts car . . . beyond repair

~ immaculate . . . recently washed

~ engine quiet . . . if you use 90-weight oil

~ needs minor overhaul . . . needs engine

~ needs major overhaul . . . phone the junkyard

~ burns no oil . . . it all leaked out

~ rebuilt engine . . . cleaned the spark plugs

~ drive it away . . . I live on a hill

~ drive it anywhere . . . within 10 miles

~ desirable classic . . . no one wants it

~ rare classic . . . no one wanted it even when it was new

~ stored 20 years . . . in a farmer’s field

~ ran when stored . . . won’t start

One Liner

I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

LETTER FROM COLLEGE…

Dear Dad, 

$chool i$ really great. I’ve made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. 

Love, your $on 

REPLY FROM DAD…. 

Dear Son, 

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOugh. 

Love, Dad.

One Liner

Did you know that Adam and Eve were the first couple to not read and understand the fine print on their Apple contract?

The priest said, “Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so.” 

Sister Mary lived in the monastery for 5 years before the priest said to her, ‘Sister Mary, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two  words.” 

Sister Mary said, “Hard bed.”  

“I’m sorry to hear that,” the priest said, “We will get you a better bed.” 

After another 5 years, Sister Mary was summoned by the Priest: “You may say another two words, Sister Mary.” 

“Cold food,” said Sister Mary, and the priest assured her that the food would be better in the future. 

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the priest again called Sister Mary in to his office. “You may say two words today.” 

“I quit,” said Sister Mary. “It’s probably best,” said the priest, “You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”

One Liner

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income. 

A pastor was leaving his area and was saying farewell to his congregation at the Church doors for the last time. He shook the hand of an elderly lady as she walked out. She said “Your successor won’t be as good as you.”

“Nonsense,” said the pastor, in a flattered tone.

“No, really,” said the old lady, “I’ve been here under five different ministers and each new one has been worse than the last.”

One Liner

Doctors got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the results were staggering.

A sailor didn’t like anything he saw in the mess/food line, so he just picked up a large piece of chocolate cake. The cook asked, “Is that all you’re gonna eat?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, the rest of it doesn’t look too appetizing.”

The cook smiled and said, “Well, in that case would you like two pieces of cake?”

The sailor said, “Yeah, man, I’d appreciate it!”

The cook leaned over and cut the sailor’s piece of cake in half.

One Liner

Dave lost his wife’s audiobook, and now he’ll never hear the end of it.