ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark. 

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big. 

3. Don’t listen to critics — do what has to be done. 

4. Build on high ground. 

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs. 

6. Two heads are better than one. 

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails. 

8. If you can’t fight or flee — float.

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth. 

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat. 

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel.

12. Stay below deck during the storm. 

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals. 

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side. 

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside. 

16. Don’t miss the boat. 

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side.

One Liner

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.

A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”

His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”

The man goes, “Are my children here?”

“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.

“Are my other relatives also here?”

And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”

The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”

One Liner

Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.

A traveling salesman was held up by a bad storm in Hawaii.

He sent an email to his corporate headquarters advising them that he was stranded for a few days and requested instructions. 

The reply came back shortly: “Begin vacation as of yesterday.”

One Liner

That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering. Do vegans feel the same way when mowing the lawn?

The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”

The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”

One Liner

I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: “I’m the greatest hitter in the world,” he announced. 

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. 

“Strike one!” he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” 

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed. 

“Strike two!” he cried. 

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, “I’m the greatest hitter in the world!” 

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. 

“Strike three!” 

“Wow!” he exclaimed. “I’m the greatest PITCHER in the world!”

One Liner

I’m pretty sure I only need one more bad decision and then I’ll own the whole set.

A guy goes into the doctor’s office. There’s a banana stuck in one of his ears, a carrot stuck in one nostril, and a cucumber in the other ear. 

The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you’re not eating right.”  

One Liner

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast? Synonym rolls!