John went to a psychiatrist: “I’ve got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I’m scared. I think I’m going crazy.” 

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink. “Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” 

“How much do you charge?” John asked warily.

“Each visit is $300,” replied the doctor.

“Well, I’ll sleep on it.”

Six months later the doctor bumped into John on the street: “Why didn’t you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?”

“Well, three hundred bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A friend at work cured me for nothing. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup!”

“Is that so?! And how, may I ask, did your friend cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

One Liner

The number of people older than you will never increase.

A woman went to a walk-in clinic, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about three minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.

After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another exam room.

The doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 59 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?!”

The young doctor continued to write on his clipboard, and without looking up, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

One Liner

Okay, so what’s the speed of dark? 

A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, “I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you just one.”

“Me first! Me first!” says the secretary. “I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.” Poof! She’s gone.

“Me next! Me next!” says the paralegal. “I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of exotic foods, and the love of my life.” Poof! He’s gone.

“You’re next,” the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, “I want those two back in the office right after lunch.”

One Liner

I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.

IMPOSSIBILITIES IN THE WORLD

1) You can’t count your hair.  

2) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.  

3) You can’t breathe when your tongue is out.  

Put your tongue back in your mouth – sure you can still breathe! HAHA  

TEN THINGS I KNOW ABOUT YOU.  

1) You are reading this.  

2) You are human.  

3) You can’t say the letter ‘P’ without separating your lips.  

4) You just attempted to do it. HAHA  

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.  

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.  

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it, too.  

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.  

One Liner

The main function of your little toe is to ensure that all the furniture is in its place.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.  I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

的’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.  滴ow about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. 

The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.  He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, throw that full glass of water into the wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands on the desk and takes careful aim, but when he throws the glass, water covers the man’s desk, jacket, briefcase, and everything around it.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa’s own attorney starts crying and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
s
“Not really,” says the attorney.  典his morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and throw water all over your office and that you’d be happy about it!”

One Liner

IRS Be audit you can be! 

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “No.”

I told him, “She is Bill Gate’s daughter.”

He said, “Yes.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “No”.

I told Bill Gates, “My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “Okay”.

I called the president of World Bank and asked him to make my son the CEO.

He said, “No”.

I told him, “My son is Bill Gate’s son-in-law.”

He said, “Okay.”

And this is how politics works!

One Liner

I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Last evening my wife and I are playing SkipBo. As we sat there I was eating peach pie and had a thought that I expressed to Chris, “I wonder why they don’t make pear pies – they make pear tarts?”

She looks over and said, “Why can’t they make a pair of pies if they can make a pair of tarts? I think they can make two pies at a time, sure they can.”

I say, “I’m talking about a pie and a tart made of pears.” 

She says “I thought you were talking about making two pies at the same time.”

She bends over in uncontrolled laughter while I sit quietly watching to see if she is bewitched or has just lost it.

Oh, she won SkipBo.

One Liner

I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia.