I am 38 years old and I have so many unanswered questions…

I still haven’t found out who let the dogs out…where’s the beef…how to get to Sesame Street…why Dora doesn’t just use Google Maps…why do all flavors of fruit loops taste exactly the same…how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop…why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that’s tough as nails, yet light bulbs too are in a flimsy carton… Ever buy scissors? You need scissors to cut into the packaging of scissors…

I still don’t understand why there is Braille on drive-up ATM’s or why “abbreviated” is such a long word; or why is there a D in ‘fridge’ but not in refrigerator… 

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons…Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections…And, why do you have to “put your two cents in” but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts” – where’s that extra penny going… 

Why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune…Why did you just try to sing those two previous songs…And just what is Victoria’s secret?…and what would you do for a Klondike bar – you know as soon as you bite into it, it falls apart…and why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 

One Liner

I tried to be a musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy

Three churches in town were overrun with squirrels.

After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. Who were they to interfere with God’s will?  They did nothing, and the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they should not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and then set them free outside of town.  Three days later the squirrels were back.

The third church succeeded in solving the squirrel problem. The elders simply baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.  Now they only see the squirrels on Christmas and Easter.

One Liner

I tried being a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme. 

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. 

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. 

“Yep,” the mutt replies. 

“So, what’s your story?” 

The mutt looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” 

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, “Ten dollars.” 

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?” 

The owner replies, “He’s a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

One Liner

Being over the hill is better than being under it.

A man scolded his son for being so unruly and the child rebelled. He got some of his clothes, his teddy bear and his piggy bank and proudly announced, “I’m running away from home!”

The father calmly decided to look at the matter logically. “What if you get hungry?” he said.

“Then I’ll come home and eat!” bravely declared the child.

“And what if you run out of money?”

“I will come home and get some!” readily replied the child.

The man made a final attempt, “What if your clothes get dirty?”

“Then I’ll come home and let mommy wash them,” was the reply.

The man shook his head and exclaimed, “This kid is not running away from home; he’s going off to college.”

One Liner

There’s one thing about baldness … it’s tidy.

Actual complaints received by a resort chain: 

~ “On my holiday to India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food.” 

~ “We booked an excursion to a water park but no one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price” 

~ “The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room.” 

~ “No one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared.” 

~ “It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England . It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair.” 

~ “We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning.” 

~ “I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes.” 

~ “My sister woke up late and didn’t get a free continental breakfast.”

One Liner

While social distancing, my wife and I went for a walk and scored a couple packages of toilet paper. Moral of the story? Don’t leave your garage doors open.

An elderly woman walked into the local country church.  The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.

“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely. 

“The front row please,” she answered. 

“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said.  “The pastor is really boring.” 

“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired. 

“No,” he said. 

“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly. 

“Do you know who I am?” he asked. 

“No,” she said. 

“Good,” he answered, “Let me show you the front pew.” 

One Liner

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.