A genie granted me one wish, so I said, “I just want to be happy.”
Now I’m living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.
One Liner
Did you know Pharaoh’s daughter was the first recorded female financier? The Bible says she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old European castle. At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.
“Don’t worry,” says the guide. “I’ve never seen a ghost all the time I’ve been here”
“How long is that?” asks the girl.
“About three hundred years…”
One Liner
You never realize how little self-control you have until you’re sitting in front of chips and salsa.
A guy received a parrot as a gift. The parrot was gorgeous, but it had a bad attitude and a filthy vocabulary. Every word out of its beak was rude, foul, and profane. The guy spent months trying to change the bird’s attitude: speaking only polite words, treating the bird gently, playing soft music, etc. Nothing seemed to “clean up” the bird’s outlook or vocabulary.
Finally, the guy got fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. He shook the parrot; it got angrier, louder, and even ruder. In desperation, he grabbed the bird and threw it into the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, the guy quickly opened the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate behavior and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my bad attitude and unforgivable vocabulary.”
The guy was stunned! Before he could reply, the bird asked carefully, “Might I ask what the chicken did?”
One Liner
When it comes to giving, some people stop at nothing.
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins’ birthday their father loaded the pessimist’s room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist’s room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist’s room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
“Why are you crying?” the father asked.
“Because my friends will be jealous, I’ll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I’ll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken,” answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin’s room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure.
“What are you so happy about?” he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, “Look at all this manure! There’s got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
One Liner
People who ask, “Can I ask you a question?”
Didn’t really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
In the doctor’s office, two patients are talking.
“You know, I had an appendectomy last month and the doctor left a sponge in
me by mistake.”
“A sponge!” exclaims the other. “And do you feel much pain”
“No pain at all,” says the first, “but do I get horribly thirsty”
One Liner
When I was a kid, I wanted to play the guitar badly. And after years of hard
work, practice and dedication, I can now play the guitar… badly.
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked: “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
One Liner
When I was a kid getting put to bed at 9:00, I couldn’t wait until I was a grown-up and could stay up until whatever time I wanted. That time is, apparently, 9:00.
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