RESUME FAUX PAS 

Typos and Grammar Slips:
“Suspected to graduate early next year.” 
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.” 
“Proven ability to track down and correct erors.” 
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.” 
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.” 
“I am a rabid typist.” 
“Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.” 
“Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.” 
“After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.” 
“Accounting cleric.” 
“As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.” 
“Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.” 
“Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.” 

More Resume Blunders:
“Fired because I fought for lower pay.” 
“Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.” 
“Please disregard the enclosed resume–it is terribly out of date.” 
“Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.” 
“Qualifications: No education or experience.” 
“I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.” 
“My compensation should be at least equal to my age.” 
“Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.” 
“Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.” 
“Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.” 

One Liner

The people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last and will leave during the performance.