If biblical events were being covered by today’s media…

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE: Enforcement Officials Killed While Pursuing Unruly Mob

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION OF RELIEF TROOPS: Psychologist Questions Significance of Rock Used as Weapon

On the prophet Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS ACTIVIST INTO FRENZY: 400 Killed In Unprovoked Attack

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS EJECTED FROM SHELTER: Animal Rights Advocates Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
LAY PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH: Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
QUACK PREYS ON TERMINALLY ILL: Authorities Investigating Use of Non-traditional Medical Procedure  

On healing of the two demon-possessed men in Gadarenes:
MADMAN CAUSES STAMPEDE: Local Farmer Faces Bankruptcy After Loss of Hogs

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
ITINERANT PREACHER RAISES STINK: Will Now Being Contested by Lawyers of Heirs

One Liner

In the old days excessive use of commas was considered to be a serious crime…usually resulting in long sentences.