A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. 

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD. 

The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong. 

“I feel terrible,” he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.” 

The woman says, “Don’t worry.” She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents on to him. The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road!

Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. 

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?” 

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label: “Hair Spray: Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”

One Liner

Money talks, but all mine ever says is, “Good-bye.”

Two rabbinical students were caught by the Rabbi gambling and drinking in the company of undesirable characters — even before the sun set on the evening of the Sabbath. The Rabbi called them into his study the next day. Both confessed to having given in to weakness, and admitted that they deserved punishment.

The Rabbi thought and then went into his kitchen and brought back two bags of dried peas. “Put these in your shoes,” he told them, “and walk on them for a week, to remind yourself how hard life can be when you turn away from the Law.”

A few days later the two students met. One was limping terribly, had dark circles under his eyes, and looked very tired. The other seemed much as he had been the week before.

“Hey,” said the first. “How is it that you are walking so freely. Didn’t you do as the Rabbi told us and put the peas in your shoes?”

“Of course I did,” said the other. “How could I disobey the Rabbi?” He started to walk away, paused and then said, “But I boiled them first.”

One Liner

Some people call me crazy. I prefer happy with a twist.

A customer at mom-and-pop grocery store marveled at the proprietor’s quick wit and intelligence.

“Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?”

“I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone,” Green replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. “But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you’ll be positively brilliant.”

“You sell them here?” the customer asks.

“Only $4 apiece,” says Morris.

The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.

“You didn’t eat enough, ” says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.

“Hey, Green,” he says, “You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece when I just found out I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!”

“You see?” says Morris. “You’re smarter already.”

One Liner

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, ““Close enough.”

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, “I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ‘I’ in the word ‘marriage.'”

The wife said, “For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling.”

One Liner

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn’t want to split hares.

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor’s office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist’s desk, the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother’s lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man’s, he said, “I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too.”

One Liner

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway.

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa. When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grandpa’s room. 

“Grandpa, Grandpa!” he says excitedly, “As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!” 

“What?” said his grandpa.

“Make a noise like a frog because Grandma said that as soon as you croak, we’re going to Disneyland!!!”

One Liner

The road to success has so many tempting parking spaces.

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior going on. 

So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”

God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”  

God was not pleased. So He decided to email the 5% who were good to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn’t get one either. 

One Liner

Maybe eating tacos wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my tacos.

The little turtle climbs the tree very slowly, very painfully. Then she crawls along a branch, to the very end, and when she finally gets to the edge, she jumps. And she falls. But she doesn’t get discouraged. 

So she walks to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls to the ground.

Again, with a stubborn look in her face, the little turtle walks slowly to the tree, she climbs the tree, she crawls along the branch, she gets to the edge, and she jumps. And falls.

In a nearby tree a couple of pigeons are looking at the little turtle. Walk, climb, crawl, jump. Fall. And all over again.

After a while one of the pigeons ask the other, “Hey honey, don’t you think its time we tell her that she’s adopted?”

One Liner

The toughest part of a diet isn’t watching what you eat; it’s watching what other people eat.