Little Josh was brought to Dr. Gill cause he hadn’t eaten anything for days. Dr. Gill offered him all the goodies he could think of. No luck. He tried a little scolding. It didn’t work. A little pleading, to no avail. 

Finally he sat down, faced the boy, looked him in the eye. He said, “Look young man, if you can be stubborn, so can I. You’re not going anywhere until you eat something. You can have whatever you want, but only after you have eaten will you leave.” 

Josh just sat and glared for some time, then said, “OK. I’ll eat but I have some conditions. First, I’ll have exactly what I want and exactly how I want it and second you’ll share with me.” 

Dr. Gill was OK with this. He asked the child what he’d like. “Worms!” said Josh. 

Dr. Gill was horrified but didn’t want to back out and seem like a loser. So, he ordered a plate of worms to be brought in. “Not that many, just one,” yelled Josh as he saw the plate. 

So, everything other than one worm was removed. Josh then demanded that the single worm be cut into two pieces and then Dr. Gill eat half. Dr. Gill went through the worst ordeal of his life, and after finishing, barely managing to keep his cool, said, “OK, now eat!” 

Josh refused as he sobbed, “No way! You ate my half!”

One Liner

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

FLU NOTES

(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well-meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

Monday A.M.:
Dearest: Sleep late. Everything under control. Lunches packed. Kids off to school. Menu for dinner planned. Your lunch is on a tray in refrigerator: fruit cup, finger-sandwiches. Thermos of hot tea by bedside. See you around six.

Tuesday A.M.:
Honey: Sorry about the egg rack in the refrigerator. Hope you got back to sleep. Did the kids tell you about the Coke I put in the Thermoses? The school might call you on this. Dinner may be a little late. I’m doing your door-to-door canvas for liver research. Your lunch is in refrigerator. Hope you like leftover chili.

Wednesday A.M.:
Dear Doris: Why in the name of all that is sane would you put soap powder in the flour canister! If you have time, could you please come up with a likely spot for Chris’s missing shoes? We’ve checked the clothes hamper, garage, back seat of the car and wood box. Did you know the school has a ruling on bedroom slippers? There’s some cold pizza for you on a napkin in the oven drawer. Will be late tonight. Driving eight Girl Scouts to tour meatpacking house.

Thursday A.M.:
Doris: Don’t panic over water in hallway. It crested last night at 9pm. Will finish laundry tonight. Please pencil in answers to following:

1. How do you turn on the garbage disposal?

2. How do you turn off the milkman?

3. Why would that rotten kid leave his shoes in his boots?

4. What do you do with leftovers when they begin to snap at you when you open the door?

I don’t know what you’re having for lunch! Surprise me!

Friday A.M.:
Hey: Don’t drink from pitcher by the sink. Am trying to restore pink dress shirt to original white. Take heart. Tonight, the ironing will be folded, the house cleaned and the dinner on time. I called your mother.

One Liner

You’re not fat, you’re just…easier to see.

MURPHY’S LAWS FOR PARENTS

1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.

2. Leakproof anything will.

3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.

5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.

6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.

7. The item your child lost – and must have for school within the next ten seconds – will be found in the last place you look.

8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.

9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.

10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

One Liner

LAZY is such an ugly word. I prefer SELECTIVE PARTICIPATION.

ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED FROM NOAH’S ARK 

1. Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.

2. Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone might ask you to do something REALLY big.

3. Don’t listen to naysayers — do what has to be done.

4. Build on high ground.

5. For safety’s sake, travel in pairs.

6. Two heads are better than one.

7. Speed isn’t always an advantage. The cheetahs were on board, but so were the snails.

8. If you can’t fight or flee — float!

9. Take care of your animals as if they were the last ones on earth.

10. Don’t forget that we’re all in the same boat.

11. When the doo-doo gets really deep, don’t sit there and complain — shovel!

12. Stay below deck during the storm.

13. Remember that the ark was built by amateurs and the Titanic was built by professionals.

14. If you have to start over, have a friend by your side.

15. Remember that the woodpeckers INSIDE are often a bigger threat than the storm outside.

16. Don’t miss the boat.

17. No matter how bleak it looks, there’s always a rainbow on the other side. 

One Liner

Sadly, I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

A member of the church, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the pastor decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his pastor’s visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace and waited.

The pastor made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the pastor took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone then he sat back in his chair, still silent.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember’s flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting.The pastor glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the pastor reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, ‘Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday.’

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen. Sometimes the best sermons are the ones left unspoken.

One Liner

Dear God: I have a problem. It’s me. 

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned…couldn’t concentrate. 

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax. 

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it…mainly because it was a so-so job. 

Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. 

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it. 

Then I tried to be a chef — figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme. 

I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard. 

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn’t noteworthy. 

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patience. 

Next was a job in a shoe factory – I tried but I just didn’t fit in. 

I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income. 

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. 

I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes, but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it. 

So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job. 

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. 

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

So, then I retired…and found out I was perfect for the job!

One Liner

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free.  It means I am literally doing nothing.