DEFINITION OF OUTDOOR BARBECUING

When a man volunteers to do barbecue cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion:

1) The woman goes to the store. 

2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert. 

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a cold beverage. 

4) The man places the meat on the grill. 

5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables. 

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. 

7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman. 

8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table. 

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes. 

10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed “her night off.” And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.

One Liner

When people check behind shower curtains for murderers, what’s the plan if they find one?

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said “Acts 2:38,” and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn’t move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood. “What did you say to him that kept him from moving?” they asked the woman. She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. “Why did the woman’s quoting scripture scare you so much?” they asked.

“Scripture?” said the burglar, “I thought she said she had an ax and two 38’s!”

One Liner

The cable guy was in our neighborhood today and asked me what time it was. I replied, “Between 8 am and 1 pm.”

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company’s junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer:  “Don’t attempt these task-organizing tips at home,” he said. 

“Why not?” he was asked. 

“Well, I did a study of my wife’s routine of fixing breakfast,” he replied, a little embarrassed. “I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, ‘Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'” 

He paused.

“Did that save time?” one of the executives asked. 

“Actually, yes,” the expert answered, “It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I make my own in seven minutes.”

One Liner

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I kneaded the dough.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” 

“98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.”

“So you’re 96?” the undertaker asked. 

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”

One Liner

Broken barometer for sale. No pressure.

One day long ago, a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When asked what he wanted to see, the Czechoslovakian replied, “I would like to see one of the zoos in America.” 

To his delight, the New Yorker took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper what he planned to do. The zoo keeper asked the man, “Okay, which gorilla did it? Was it the male or the female?” 

Pointing out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper then opened up the mouth of the female, looked inside, but found no signs of the Czech. 

With which the man from New York shrugged and said, “Guess the Czech is in the male.”

One Liner

At my age, rolling out of bed in the morning is the easy part. Getting off the floor is a while other story.

A woman had an attack of laryngitis and lost her voice completely for two days.

To help her communicate, her husband devised a system of taps.

One tap meant “Give me a kiss,” two taps meant “Yes,” seven taps meant “No,” and 95 taps meant “Take out the garbage.” 

One Liner

It’s probably my age that tricks people into thinking I’m an adult.

Two friends were having lunch when one began choking. The other ran quickly behind his friend, yanked down his friend’s trousers, and licked the right butt of his bottom. 

The choking man coughed up his food in shock and said, “What was that, man?!” 

His friend said, “The hiney-lick maneuver. Works every time!”

One Liner

When I get to where I’m going, will somebody please tell me where I am?

Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”

Trainer: It was a sit up. You did one sit up.

One Liner

What’s a perfect gift for a person who has everything? Storage space.