Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups:  

– The bonbon group

– The salty-snack group

– The caffeine group

– The “What-ever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is”

One Liner

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

The minister drove his ball into a very deep sand trap. He picked up his golf club, broke it but didn’t say a word.

Then he picked up the golf bag and tore it to shreds but didn’t say a word.

He then took out all the golf balls and flung them into the woods but did not say one word.

Finally he muttered, “I’m gonna have to give it up.”

“Golf?” asked the caddie.

“No,” he replied, “the ministry.”

One Liner

What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.

A man comes up to the owner of a lumberjack business and says, “I need a job and I think I’m pretty good.”

The owner replied, “Okay, show me what you can do, chop down that redwood over there.” The man said okay and left. Five minutes later he came back and was done.

The owner was shocked and asked, “How did you chop that tree down so fast?”

The man said, “I got a lot of practice in the Sahara.”

The owner replied, “You mean the Sahara desert?”

“Yes” he said, “or at least that’s what they call it now.”

One Liner

Running feels great, unless you compare it to not running.

When a new child visited our Sunday school, the teacher greeted him and asked his age. The little boy held up four fingers.

“Oh, you’re four,” said the teacher. “And when will you be 5?”

The child stared at her and after a few seconds replied, “When I hold up the other finger.”

One Liner

What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.

A career military man, who had retired as a corporal, was telling the younger men how he handled officers during his years of service.

“It didn’t matter a hoot if he was a Major General, an Admiral, or the Commander-in-Chief.  I always told those guys exactly where to get off.”

“Wow, you musta been something,” the admiring young soldiers remarked.  “What was your job in the service?”

“Elevator operator in the Pentagon.”

One Liner

I’m going to live forever, or die trying.

The irate customer calling the newspaper office loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.”

There was a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

“I’ll bet that’s why no one was in church today too.”

One Liner

The first rule of passive aggressive club is…You know what, never mind. It’s fine.