Mom: “Eat your breakfast.”

Son: “Why?”

Mom: “You want to grow up to be super smart, don’t you?”

Son: “No. I want to grow up to be like daddy.”

One Liner

Not sure if I’m bad at sleeping or really really really really really really
really really really good at thinking.

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF CRAZY  IN THE WORKPLACE

1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice)

2. Ask people to call you “Captain.”

3. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

4. Put a chair facing the printer, sit there all day, and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

5. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.

6 Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@c…”

7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

8. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

9. Send email messages saying “free pizza, free donuts in the lunchroom.” When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”

10. Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

One Liner

I run like the winded.

I was the substitute principal at a local school when two boys who were
fighting were brought to me.

They were brothers.

I asked what’s the problem?

The first answered, “He called me ugly!!”

The second one said, “That was after you said I had a face like a frog!”

I tried very hard not to laugh…they were identical twins!

One Liner

Golf balls are like eggs…they are both white, sold by the dozen, and a
week later you have to go out and buy more.

A pastor assured his congregation he was their servant and that they should feel free to call him anytime they had a problem.

That night the pastor’s phone rang at 3 a.m. On the other end was a dear elderly lady who said, “Pastor, I can’t sleep.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” he comforted her. “But what can I do about it?” the pastor asked.

She sweetly replied, “Preach to me a while, pastor.”

One Liner

I’m really excited for the amateur autopsy club I just joined…Wednesday is open Mike night!

A local hunting guide got himself into a big problem. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.

“You told us you were the best guide in Colorado!” they asserted.

“I am!,” he said, “but I think we’re in Wyoming now.”

One Liner

I run a tight shipwreck. I run like the winded.

My husband was water-skiing when he fell into the river. As the boat circled to pick him up, he noticed a hunter sitting in a duck boat in the reeds.

My husband put his hands in the air and joked, “Don’t shoot!”

The hunter responded, “Don’t quack.”

One Liner

Anyone who says their wedding was the best day of their life has clearly never had two candy bars fall down at once in a vending machine.