A young man is being trained as a steamship helmsman. In his first time at the wheel, the mate gives him a heading and then orders, “Come starboard.”

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate suggests gently, “Could you bring the ship with you?”

One Liner

If Cher were to get cloned, would she be Cher and Cher alike?

I taught my kids about democracy tonight. I had them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.

I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

One Liner

I’m working on a new typeface to be used for church bulletins. I call it Baptismal Font.

A police officer pulled a guy over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver’s license?

Driver: I don’t have one.  I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI (Driving Under the Influence).

Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?

Driver: It’s not my car.  I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That’s right.  But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There’s a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir.  That’s where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There’s a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by more police cars, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation.

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure.  Here it is.

It was valid.

Captain: Who’s car is this?

Driver: It’s mine, officer.  Here’s the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there’s a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it.

Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?  I was told you said there’s a body in it.

Driver: No problem.

The trunk was opened; no body.

Captain: I don’t understand it.  The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

One Liner

Wouldn’t it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and 3 sizes smaller?

The school was having trouble with Little Johnny and decided to have him tested by a psychologist.

The first question he was asked was, “If I have ten apples and take away five apples, what is the difference?”

After a brief pause Little Johnny answered, “That’s just what I say, ‘What’s the difference?'”.

When asked whether a pair of trousers were singular or plural, he replied, “Well, they are singular at the top and plural at the bottom.”

Finally the psychologist decided to test his spelling and asked him, “How do you spell Banana?”

After careful consideration he replied, “B A N A N A N A N A N A N A-“

The psychologist interrupted him and said, “Johnny that’s quite enough,” to which he replied, “I know how to spell it, I just don’t know when to stop.”

The psychologist then wrote on his report: “If you are not having problems with Little Johnny it would not be normal.”

One Liner

Trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

During a church service, the priest called for a moment of silence to remember the faithful dead.

The church grew quiet, except for a little boy who turned to his father and piped, “Dad, you have some of their albums!”

One Liner

Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

Three aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

“Just to establish some parameters,” said the professor to the student from Arkansas, “What is the opposite of joy?”

“Sadness,” said the student.

“And the opposite of depression?” he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

“Elation,” she said.

“And you sir,” he said to the young man from Texas, “How about the opposite of woe?”

The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddy up.”

One Liner

With all this rain, we need an ark. Fear not! (Wait for it.) I Noah guy.

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” wheezed a second.

“And somehow, the sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember ’em too,” said the third.

Hearing just about enough from his buddies, the oldest – and the wisest of the foursome at 87-years-old – piped up and said, “Oh my friends, just be thankful we’re still on THIS side of the grass!”

One Liner

Sometimes I shock myself with the stuff I say and do. Other times, I try to get out of the car with my seat belt on.