Toy store customer: “That’s a terrific train set. I’ll buy it.”

Clerk: “Great, I’m sure your kids will love it!”

Customer: “Maybe you’re right. I’ll take two.”

One Liner

Two absolutely predictable events strangely hit many people totally unforeseen: Christmas and old age.

An old country preacher needed to have a sign made that would tell the people passing on the freeway about The Wonder of Christmas. He lived quite a ways out of town and did not have access to any of the modern conveniences of phone or email, in fact, he only was able to send quick messages via Telegraph from the local General store.

Since telegraphs charge by the letter, he tried to make his message succinct so that the sign builder would know exactly what he wanted, but without wasting extra characters. He rushed down to the General Store and sent his message off.

This story picks up at the sign-making company and the poor clerk who received the telegraph message. As the message printed out she gasped, and fainted. The message that she read, “Unto us a child is born 6 ft long and 3 ft wide.”

One Liner

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Nothing. It was on the house.

WHY WE WOULD LOVE TO BE SANTA CLAUS

> You could grow a massive gut and consider it a job requirement.

> Everyone would be extremely nice to you, even if you weren’t.

> You’d never be asked to take an early retirement package.

> There’d be no need to play office politics; a hearty “Ho! Ho! Ho!” would remind everyone who’s boss.

> No one would dare ask for a ride to work.

> No more trips to the vending machine…you’d just snack on milk and cookies all day.

> Age discrimination wouldn’t be an issue.

> Your co-workers would be on notice that they’d better not pout.

> You’d never be expected to make the coffee.

> One big black belt – accessorized for life!

> Juggling work and family would be a breeze because your children would adore you; even your teenagers would want to sit in your lap.

> You’d never grab the wrong coat on your way out the door.

One Liner

To everyone who received a book from me for Christmas, they’re due back at the library next Friday.

It was the day after Christmas at a church. the pastor was looking at the nativity scene outside when he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from the figures.

Immediately, the pastor turned toward the church to call the police. But as he was about to do so, he saw little Jimmy with a red wagon, and in the wagon was the figure of the little infant, Jesus.

The pastor walked up to Jimmy and said, “Well, Jimmy, where did you get the little infant?”

Jimmy replied, “I got him from the church.”

“And why did you take him?”

With a sheepish smile, Jimmy said, “Well, about a week before Christmas I prayed to little Lord Jesus. I told him if he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas, I would give him a ride around the block in it.”

One Liner

Lord, I need money to organize your birthday.

As a student driver in New York City, I was taking the road test for my driver’s license. When someone cut me off, I held my temper so I wouldn’t look out of control. “You have a lot to learn,” said the inspector.

At a red light, the car behind tapped my bumper. I remained calm while the inspector shook his head. When the light turned, I accelerated, but the car behind sped up and cut me off. That did it! I hit the horn as hard as I could.

The inspector turned to me, smiled and said, “Now you’re getting the hang of it.”

One Liner

Last night our wifi stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.

30. Come on, come on, come on, get moving. 

31. O scared darkness, the asterisks are brilliantly shimmering. 

32. It’s fixin’ to appear extremely similar to December 25th. 

33. Small children with their optical aids entirely illuminated. 

34. Loyal buddies that are important to ourselves collect closely to ourselves again. 

35. Boppin’ while circling the tannenbaum… 

36. Royalty of royalties always and always… 

37. O approach, y’all devoted happy and victorious… 

38. Urban walkways, congested walkways, trimmed in a festive manner.

Answers:
30. Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap let’s go… “Let is Snow” 
31. O Holy night, the stars are brightly shining… “O Holy Night” 
32. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas… “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” 
33. Tiny tots with their eyes all aglow… “The Christmas Song” 
34. Faithful friends who are dear to us, gather near to us once more… “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” 
35. Rockin’ ’round the Christmas tree… 
36. King of Kings, forever and ever… “Hallelujah” 
37. Oh come all ye faithful, joyful and triumphant… “Oh Come All Ye Faithful” 
38. City sidewalks, busy sidewalks, dressed in holiday style… “Silver Bells” 

NAME THAT CHRISTMAS CAROL (QUIZ)

(Answers at the bottom) 
21. Slumber in ethereal quiet. 

22. Hey there! The announcing celestial beings carol. 

23. O greetings of ease and happiness. 

24. On commencement of Yuletide my honey bestowed upon me. 

25. Decorate the passage with branches of evergreen sprigs. 

26. Once upon a misty night prior to Christ’s birthday. 

27. Ooh, celestial body of marvel, celestial body of strength. 

28. With a vegetable stem smoker and clothes fastening snout. 

29. It’s a fluff-ball sphere in the cold season. 

30. Come on, come on, come on, get moving

Answers:
21. Sleep in heavenly peace… “Silent Night” 
22. Hark! the herald angels sing… “Hark the Herald” 
23. O tidings of comfort and joy… “God rest ye merry gentlemen” 
24. On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me… “The Twelve Days of Christmas” 
25. Deck the halls with boughs of holly… “Deck the Halls” 
26. Then one foggy Christmas Eve… “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” 
27. Ooh star of wonder, star of might… “Star of Wonder” 
28. With a corncob pip and a button nose… “Frosty the Snowman” 
29. It’s a marshmallow world in the winter… “It’s a Marshmallow World” 
30. Giddyap, giddyap, giddyap let’s go… “Let is Snow”