The preacher had just finished his sermon. He sat down with his wife and she asked him how he thought the church service went.

The preacher shrugged and said, “The music was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but,” he continued, “I just don’t think the sermon ever got off the ground.”

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, “Well, it sure did taxi long enough.”

One Liner

One good thing about being wrong is the joy it brings to others.

TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A COP

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

3. Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are you Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You’re not gonna check the trunk are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.

12. When the officer says, “Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with, “Officer your eyes looked glazed, have you been eating donuts?”

One Liner

Earlier today I saw a bumper sticker that said, “I’m a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal.” Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the roads.

These comments by police officers were taken off actual police car videos around the country. Thank goodness, in spite of the perils of the job, they still have a since of humor…

> “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”

> “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”

> “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

> “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”

> “Yes sir, you can talk to the Shift Supervisor, but I don’t think it will help.  Oh, did I mention that I’m the Shift Supervisor?”

> “Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

> “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are a drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

> “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey doodoo.’

> “Yea, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

> “How big were those ‘two beers’ you said you had?”

> “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours, so you know someone who can post your bail.”

> “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.”

One Liner

Karaoke bars combine two great evils: People who shouldn’t drink and people who shouldn’t sing.

These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration comment cards by backpackers:

“A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.”

“Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.”

“Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.”

“Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.”

“Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.”

“Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.”

“Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.”

“Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.”

“The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.”

“Need more signs to keep area pristine.”

“A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.”

“Too many rocks in the mountains.”

One Liner

I just can’t handle automatic doors.

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, “Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Farmer Condill’s henhouse please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn’t want money from a thief!”

The collection plate was passed around and for the first time in months everybody gave.

One Liner

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was: “Don’t”.

“Don’t what?” Adam replied.

“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.

“Forbidden fruit?”

“We got forbidden fruit?”

“Hey, Eve…we got forbidden fruit!”

“No way!”

“Way!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.

“Why?”

“Because I am your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw his kids having an apple break and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” the First Parent asked.

“Uh huh,” Adam replied.

“Then why did you?”

“I dunno” Eve answered.

“She started it!” Adam said.

“Did not!”

“Did too!”

“DID NOT!!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

One Liner

Children don’t actually sleep; they just recharge.

I have my own system for labeling homemade freezer meals.

Forget calling them “Veal Parmigiana” or “Turkey Loaf” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

If you look in my freezer you’ll see “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” and, my favorite, “Food.”

That way when I ask my husband what he wants for dinner, I’m certain to have what he wants.”

One Liner

I’m giving up eating chocolate for a month. Oh, wait, sorry, bad punctuation. I meant, I’m giving up. Eating chocolate for a month.

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car’s radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.

The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, “Let’s get off the corner.”

No one moved, so he barked again, “Let’s get off the corner!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, “Well, how did I do?”

“Pretty good,” replied the veteran, “especially since this is a bus stop.”

One Liner

If you’re only as old as you feel, how am I still alive at 150?