Employer: “We need someone responsible for this job.”
Applicant: “Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”
One Liner
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
“What for?!” he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, “Twenty dollars for contempt of court – ten dollars for each word. That’s why!”
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. “That’s all right. You don’t have to pay now.”
The young man replied, “I’m just seeing if I have enough for two more words.”
One Liner
Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
She: When we get married, I want to share all your worries and troubles, and lighten your burden.
He: It’s very kind of you, darling. But I don’t have any worries or troubles.
She: Well, we aren’t married yet.
One Liner
If I am ever on life support unplug me and plug me back in and see if that works.
A customer in a department store is offered a discounted suit by a salesperson. “But the arms and legs don’t match,” he says. “One arm and one leg is shorter than the other.”
“That’s why it’s such a bargain,” the salesperson replies. “But don’t worry, if you just raise your left shoulder, bend your left knee and walk like this, no one will notice.”
“Well…okay.”
The man then buys the suit; after putting in on in the changing room, he raises his left shoulder, bends his left knee, then proceeds to limp out of the store. As he walks down the street, two ladies notice him.
“Good Heavens,” the first lady says. “That poor man looks like he’s in a lot of pain!”
“Yes,” the second lady says. “But his suit certainly fits well.”
One Liner
It takes 2 years to learn to speak and 60 to learn to keep quiet.
Because I couldn’t unplug the toilet with a plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, no small feat for a non-plumber. Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old son.
I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. However, it didn’t work much better than before!
As I pondered what to do next, my son walked into the bathroom. I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just dislodged and told him that the toilet still wasn’t working.
“Did you get the green one, too?” he asked.
One Liner
I already have 6 trips planned for 2024 with no money. I trust you, Lord!
HOW’S YOUR JOB AT…
Q. How’s your job at the clock factory?
A. Only time will tell.
Q. How’s your job at the banana company?
A. I keep slipping up.
Q. How’s your job at the travel agency?
A. I’m going nowhere.
Q. How’s your job at the pie company?
A. It didn’t pan out.
Q. How’s your job at the balloon factory?
A. We can’t keep up with inflation.
Q. How’s your job at the crystal ball manufacturer?
A. I’m making a fortune.
Q. How’s your job at the history book publisher?
A. There’s no future in it.
Q. How’s your job on the farm?
A. Things keep cropping up.
Q. How’s your job at the sewing shop?
A. Hanging on by a thread.
One Liner
Most people are so lazy, they don’t even exercise good judgement
> An Oxford comma walks into a bar with two clowns, a professor, and a policeman.
> A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
> An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
> Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
> A question mark walks into a bar?
> Helvetica and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”
> Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
> A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
> A synonym strolls into a tavern.
> At the end of the day, a cliche walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
One Liner
When something is “new and improved,” which is it? If it’s new, then there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
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