There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, “Sorry, but you can’t take your wealth with you.”

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, “Hold on, you can’t bring that in here!”

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, “You’re right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I’m supposed to check its contents before letting it through.”

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, “You brought pavement?!?!”

One Liner

You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions.

A young man and a pastor are playing a round of golf together. At a short par 3, the pastor asks the young man, “What club are you going to use on this hole?”

The young man says, “An 8-iron, reverend. How about you?”

The pastor says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.

The pastor tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, “I don’t know about you, pastor, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down.”

One Liner

When the clock factory caught fire, second hand smoke was everywhere.

Things I’m super good at:

> Forgetting someone’s name 10 seconds after they tell me.

> Buying produce…and throwing it away two weeks later.

> Digging through the trash for the food box I just tossed, because I already forgot the directions.

> Making plans. And then immediately regretting making plans.

> Leaving laundry in the dryer until it wrinkles. Then turning on the dryer to dewrinkle. Then forgetting it again.

> Calculating how much sleep I’ll get if I can just “fall asleep right now.”

One Liner

It’s fine to eat a test grape in the produce section, but you take one bite of rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “Hey, get out!”

I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the octopus. 

The waiter told me it takes four hours to cook. 

“Why?” I asked. 

He answered, “Because it keeps turning the gas off.”

One Liner

Sorry that I’m late. I got here as soon as I wanted to.

You know it’s going to be a BAD DAY when…

> You jump out of bed in the morning and miss the floor.

> Your four-year-old greets you with the news that its almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

> The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

> Your horn gets stuck when you’re following a group of Hell’s Angels on the freeway.

> You get to work and there’s a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

> Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

> Your doctor tells you that you’re allergic to chocolate.

> Your boss tells you not to bother to remove your coat.

> Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

One Liner

It only takes one slow-walking person in the grocery store to destroy the illusion that I’m a friendly, nice person.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2025…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon

~ Running around in circles

~ Pushing your luck

~ Playing in traffic 

~ Spinning your wheels

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

One Liner

My goal for 2025 is to accomplish the goals of 2024 which I should have done in 2023 because I made a promise in 2022 and planned in 2021.