GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS FOR A PASTOR

Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card. 
Bad News: The vote passed 31-30.

Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it. 
Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.

Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do. 
Bad News: The choir mutinied.

Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking. 
Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.

Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks. 
Bad News: You were on vacation.

Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church. 
Bad News: She has been appointed the District Supervisor of your denomination’s region.

Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit. 
Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they’re armed with toilet paper and shaving cream.

One Liner
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet. It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!

An author decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to the first church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” 

Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone. The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. 

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Denver, Green Bay, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more of the same phone with the same sign and got the same answer from each pastor.

Then he arrived in his last state, Texas. Upon entering a church in Fort Worth, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. BUT this time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents.” Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. 

“Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I’ve found this golden telephone and have been told it’s a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God. But, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?” 

The pastor, smiling, replied, “Son, you’re in Texas now. This is God’s country and it’s a local call.”

One Liner
“Vacation” is when you get away from it all. Then you come back to find that “it all” is just waiting patiently on your desk.

My neighbor banged on the wall at 4:30 am this morning! Can you believe it??

Lucky I was awake listening to music.

They banged and shouted, “Can we have a little respect please?”

I shouted back, “I’m not a big Aretha Franklin fan but this one’s for you!”

One Liner
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

A local doctor cares for a family who owns a funeral home.

When the father came in for a visit, the doctor greeted him, “It’s good to see you.”

His reply, “It’s better to be seen than to be viewed.”

One Liner
Autocorrect has become my worst enema.

ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 

~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. 

~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. 

~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. 

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 

~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. 

~ Always drink upstream from the herd. 

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. 

~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

One Liner

Nobody’s a complete idiot. There are always some parts missing.

MURPHY’s TECHNOLOGY LAWS

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: All’s well that ends… period.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy’s Technology Law #8: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy’s Technology Law #9: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy’s Technology Law #10: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

One Liner
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, “I’m very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?”

“No,” answered the child. “He’s at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn’t want to expose him to it.”

One Liner
I hate when I wake up for a glass of water in the middle of the night and eat a whole cheesecake.

The farmer’s favorite bull wasn’t doing well at all. The vet came and looked the animal over thoroughly, then reached in his black bag and pulled out a large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull leaped into the air and took off like a bat out of hell, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, “Well, looks like your bull is healed!”

The farmer replied, “Great. Now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta catch him!”

One Liner

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.