THE GRANDMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff.  It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly,” I replied.

One Liner
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing.

“What’s that?” asks the other mouse.

“Let me see…”  says the first. “Ah, yes. It’s from ‘Gone With the Wind.’ “

“Is it good?” asks the second.

“Not so great,” replies the first. “The book was better.”

One Liner
What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

One Liner
The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail, and comes with unconditional love.

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.

The new pastor at a country church had some exciting ideas for the future. At the elders meeting he presented his vision with great energy and passion. The senior elder then called for a vote. All 12 elders voted “NAY”; only the pastor voted “AYE.”

The pastor was crestfallen, but just at that moment the clouds darkened, thunder rolled, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the elders to the ground.

As they all got up and dusted themselves off the senior elder said, “Well, that’s twelve votes to two then.”

One Liner
Beware of a new Amazon scam. My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry but motorcycle parts came instead! Thankfully, they fit his bike.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope with a twenty dollar bill in it. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her first pay to the bank and open an account with it.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again next week too?”

“I will if those useless idiots at the lumber yard ever bring us the @#&% wood,” replied the little girl.

One Liner
It’s weird being the same age as old people.