Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon. Can you help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we’ve stayed in touch through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding?

Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dad’s response

My Dearest Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay! 

Love, Dad

One Liner
I always say “Thank you” to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I’m nice.

A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. 

When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively. 

“I sure did, teacher,” one little girl replied. “I prayed for more snow.”

One Liner
Your shadow is confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the last few feet thanks to you.

A man who hadn’t attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, “How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!”

“Well, Preacher,” said the fisherman, “Quite honestly, it’s a matter of choice. I’d much rather hear your sermon than hers.”

One Liner
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

Shortly after the birth of their second child, a husband offered to take his wife shopping for a new dress. He endured more than two hours of listening to her complaints about which figure flaw each dress accentuated.

As she emerged from the dressing room, having tried on the last selection, she asked for her husband’s opinion. By this time he had learned just the right things to say. “It’s perfect!” he exclaimed. “It makes your waist look smaller, your legs look longer, and slenderizes your hips.”

Just then another lady in the dressing room spoke out. “If there is a dress here that will do that, I’ll buy them all!”

One Liner
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

Some neighbors of my grandparents gave them a pumpkin pie as a gift. As lovely as the gesture was, it was clear from the first bite that the pie tasted bad. In fact, it was so inedible that my grandmother had to throw it away.

Ever gracious and tactful, my grandmother still felt obliged to send the neighbors a note. It read, “Thank you very much for the pumpkin pie. Something like that doesn’t last very long in our house.”

One Liner
This is my step-ladder. I never knew my real ladder.

Jeff had gone to propose to his girlfriend and returned home crying bitterly. “What happened, son?” his father asked, eagerly awaiting her response. “Did she accept?”

“No, she sure didn’t,” sobbed Jeff. “When I told her what you advised me to say, she slapped my face and told me to get out.”

“Did you begin by telling her what I told you to say, what I told your mother when she accepted my proposal? ‘Sweetheart, time stands still when I look in your eyes.’ Did you tell her that?” asked his father.

“Oh boy, Dad, did I got it all wrong,” Jeff groaned. “I said, ‘My dear, you have a face that would stop a clock!'”

One Liner
My lawn is chicken proof. It’s impeccable.