After cleaning his patient’s teeth, the dentist accompanied the five year old boy to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.

“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” asked the dentist.

“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”

One Liner

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

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A young woman greeted the census taker. “Good morning,” said the caller, “I’m taking the census and I’d like to ask you a few questions. Occupation?”

“Homemaker,” replied the woman.

“Husband’s occupation?”

“Manufacturer.”

“Children?”

“No,” said the woman. “Dresses.”

One Liner

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m alive.

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A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. 

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his best friend’s wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

“But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and
I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
said: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I
had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

One Liner

I may look busy, but I’m just confused.

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The proprietor of a small village drugstore was called out one sleepy summer morning, leaving the establishment temporarily under the sole management of a very young, and very uneducated, clerk.

“Just answer the phone if it rings, Jim,” instructed the proprietor.

The phone rang.

“Hello,” said the clerk.

“Do you have streptomycin and aureomycin?” asked a voice at the other end.

The clerk scratched his head, then said, “Ma’am, when I said ‘Hello’ I told you everything I know.”

One Liner

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren’t they just stale bread to begin with?

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Patient: Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me out!

Doctor: Certainly, which way did you come in?

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a mosquito

Doctor: Go away, sucker!

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doctor: I never make rash promises.

One Liner

I am resilient. I can handle so many things in life but hearing people chew is not one of them.

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife,

“I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”

She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said,

“You’re the only one who has to.”

One Liner

The worst thing about history is that every time it repeats itself, the price goes up.

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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

One Liner

No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm.

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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

One Liner
When God made me, He grinned and said, “This’ll be fun.”