The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”   

One Liner
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…so she hugged me.  

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”

“No champ, I never did.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”

One Liner
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

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YOU MAY BE A FARMER IF…

~ An overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

~ You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.

~ You sometimes rinse off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife lets you in the house.

~ You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.

~ You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

~ You remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, and yields for 10 years back, but not your kid’s birthdays.

~ You drive off the road while examining your neighbor’s crops.

~ You borrow gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

~ You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

~ You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

~ When you drive your truck, everybody waves at you.

One Liner
I put my weight scale in the bathroom corner and that’s where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, “We have absolutely nothing to go on.”

One Liner
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down. Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.

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IMPORTANT NOTICE

You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice. Some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable. It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticed. This notice is to remind you to notice the notices and respond to the notices, because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.

One Liner
If you’re not called crazy when you start something new, then you’re not thinking big enough.

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:

“My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons…
a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour,
and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

“Now, we’ll take the collection to see which one you want.”

One Liner
I’m terrified of elevators and I’m taking steps to avoid them.

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