YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN…

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people’s fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks – and you don’t even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

One Liner

A perfectionist is someone who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

One Liner

Ever feel like life is a car wash and you’re on a bicycle?

Grown-up: “What do you want for your birthday this year?”

Kid: “I’d like a little brother.”

Grown-up: “Oh my, that’s a big wish!  Why do you want a little brother?”

Kid: “Well, there’s only so much I can blame on the dog.”

One Liner

I got a call from a scammer who said, “I’ve got all of your passwords.”
I said, “Great. What are they? I’ll grab a pen.”

The school of agriculture’s dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, “Why have you chosen this career?” he asked.

“I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father,” the student replied.

“Your father made a million dollars in farming?” echoed the dean much impressed.

“No,” replied the applicant. “But he always dreamed of it.”

One Liner

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus? But it’s Sunday. And you’re 46.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese.

Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock.

That’s what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

One Liner

I’m gonna be as useless at the “g” in lasagna today.

Once upon a time there was a bunch of tiny frogs who arranged a running competition. The goal was to reach the top of a very high tower.

A big crowd gathered around the tower to see the race and cheer on the contestants. The race began but no one in the crowd really believed that the tiny frogs would reach the top of the tower. You heard statements such as:

“Oh, WAY too difficult!!”
“They will NEVER make it to the top.”
“Not a chance that they will succeed. The tower is too high!”

The tiny frogs began collapsing. One by one, except for those who, in a fresh tempo, were climbing higher and higher.

The crowd continued to yell, “It is too difficult!!! No one will make it!”

More tiny frogs got tired and gave up. But one continued higher and higher and higher. He just wouldn’t give up!

At the end everyone else had given up climbing the tower. Except for the one tiny frog who, after a big effort, was the only one who reached the top!

All of the other tiny frogs naturally wanted to know how this one frog managed to do it. A contestant asked the tiny frog how he had found the strength to succeed and reach the goal.

It turned out that the winner was deaf.

One Liner

Every problem is a new opportunity. If you think you can, you might. If you think you can’t, you’re right.