“If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YA GOTTA BE DEAD!”

One Liner

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could go in and look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so rude.

THE IMPORTANCE OF PROOFING

~  IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction:
on page 8, line 7, the words “state zip code” should have read “pull rip cord.”

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting.  It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr.
Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, “Woodrow Wilson’s wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House.” I’m sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word “sheep.”

~ In one edition of today’s Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley’s Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda Van Amburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

One Liner

I went to the toy store and asked the assistant where the Schwarznegger dolls are and he replied, 鄭isle B, back.”

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman for a while before taking on a congregation.

He studied hard and passed the exams; worked himself buff to pass the physical; and then came the all-important final interview.

One question was: “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”  He promptly responded, “I would pass an offering plate.”

He got the job.

One Liner

I heard the word “icy” was easy to spell. Looking at it now I can see why.

Halfway through dinner one night, our friend told us of his days playing football in college as a defensive lineman.

“Did you play sports in college,” his wife then asked me.

“Yes,” I answered. “I was on West Point’s shooting team.”

“That’s great,” she said, appropriately impressed. “Offense or defense?”

One Liner
My goal this weekend is to move just enough so no one thinks I’m dead.

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Think of the biggest number you can.

Now add five.

Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.

Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

One Liner
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious.

When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! – a boy and a girl. We couldn’t reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother … he’s not very bright!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Onr Liner
Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven’t met yet.

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Two goober moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney,” says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah,” said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, “I’d say about a hundred yards further than last year.”

One Liner
Think about this: Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty.

While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a ‘quick stop’ service station, two brothers were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc.

As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two brothers stood waiting at the end of the line. One brother carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into his brother’s hand.

“What’s that?” his brother whispered.

“That’s the $20 I owe you.” he replied.

One Liner
I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

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