One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, “God, we’ve decided that we no longer need you. We’re to the point that we can clone people and do many miraculous things, so why don’t you just go on and get lost.”

God listened very patiently and kindly to the man. After the scientist was done talking, God said, “Very well, how about this? Let’s say we have a man-making contest.”

To which the scientist replied, “Okay, great!”

But God added, “Now, we’re going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam.”

The scientist said, “Sure, no problem” and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, “No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!”

One Liner
Little did he know … but that didn’t stop him.

TOP 10 THINGS OVERHEARD ON THE ARK

10. “Did anyone think about bringing a couple of umbrellas?”

9. “Hey, there are more than two flies in here!”

8. “Wasn’t someone supposed to put two shovels on board?”

7. “Okay, who’s the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on board?!”

6. “Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!”

5. “Don’t make me pull this ark over and come back there!”

4. “No Ham, you cannot eat the pig!”

3. “And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.”

2. “Nice doggie…”

1. “Are we there yet?”

One Liner
The way to achieve inner peace is to finish the things we have started. Today I finished a Krispy Kreme, 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake. I feel better already…

I had been walking for miles after my car broke down coming back from a hectic day of exhausting meetings hours out of town. Plus, my phone had died.

Since leaving my vehicle the weather had turned and I could see a downpour was inevitable before I would find a place to call for help. So I decided to try hitchhiking.

The first 5 or 6 cars passed me by, the drivers staring forward pretending to not see me. But eventually someone did pull over and just in time! As I got into the car the first couple of expected raindrops fell on the hood and windshield.

As we pulled away from the side of the road the driver asked me, “Aren’t you afraid I might be a serial killer?”

Looking dead ahead, I replied, “The odds of two serial killers being in the same car are extremely unlikely!”

The absolute silence in the car, as we travelled to the next town, was the most peaceful part of my whole day!

One Liner
If you don’t want anyone to get your goat, don’t let them know where you have it tied.

TEN REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.

2. Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

One Liner
I’ve got big news for musicians wanting that perfect sound! Stay tuned!

Husband’s text message (by cellphone):

Honey, I was involved in a car accident. Paula brought me to the hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head was pretty bad. Fortunately, but seems that it did not cause any serious injury.

But I do have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s response:

Who is Paula?

One Liner
It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car, I will get tired but if I run *behind* a car, I will get exhausted.

Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”

Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”

Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”

Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”

One Liner
Ate a box of Girl Scouts’ Thin Mints cookies. Didn’t get thinner. I don’t think they work.

A woman isn’t feeling well and goes into Urgent Care:

Nurse: “have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?”

Patient: “No, I’ve always dressed this way.”

One Liner
Children are like pancakes. The first one always comes out a little weird.