An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

At breakfast one day, a young wife eagerly waited for her husband to comment on her first attempt at homemade cinnamon rolls. 

After several minutes with no reaction, she asked, “If I baked these commercially, how much do you think I could get for one of them?”

Without looking up from his paper her husband replied, “About 10 years.”

One Liner

You know you’re getting old when you have to use a shopping cart at the pharmacy.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off as an office clerk, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-chairman. Now it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you say to that?” 

“Thanks,” said the employee. 

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?” 

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.” 

One Liner

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

An extremely wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating a proposal.

“Do you think she’d marry me if I tell her I’m 45?” he asked a friend.

“Your chances are better,” said the friend, “if you tell her you’re 90.”

One Liner

You don’t actually wash your hands. They wash each other and you stand there looking at them like a creep.

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their
rowboat. Twelve o’clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice
spot on the bank to have lunch. So they head over to the bank to eat.

The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to
the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his
deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the
boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, to
his amazement, the pastor thinks again, if his second deacon is holy enough
to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and sinks into the water. The
first deacon turns to the second and says, “Think we should have told him
where the rocks are?”

One Liner

Be careful or you’ll end up in my sermon.

When I was younger, my dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.

He said, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks dad, that means a lot,” I replied.

He said, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

One Liner

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop and said, “I have a surprise for you. I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way. About a month later the little lady came in to his shop. “And how did you like your holiday?” he asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

One Liner

Q: What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile? A: I could be wrong, since I’m not a zoologist, but I believe the main difference is that one you will see later and the other in a while.