The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner

My friend was explaining electricity and I was like “Watt??”

A little boy is gone to school one day and while he is gone, his cat is accidentally killed. His mother is very concerned about how he will take the news.

Upon his arrival home, she explains the tragedy and tries to console the boy saying, “But don’t worry, the cat is in heaven with God now.”

The boy replied, “What’s God gonna’ do with a dead cat?”

One Liner

Two wrongs don’t make a right. But three will get you back on the interstate highway.

The little boy scurried into the corner grocery store with a worried look on
his face, handing the clerk a dollar bill.

“What’s this for, son?”

“Momma says all she wants is peas and quiet…do you have that?”

One Liner

I’m taking care of my procrastination issues. Just you wait and see.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish? 

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.

~ Read less. Makes you think.

~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

~ Spend more time at work, checking your socials.

~ Get in a whole NEW rut!

~ Personal goal: Don’t bring back disco.

~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.

~ Create loose ends.

~ Get more toys.

~ Get further in debt.

~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.

~ Focus on the faults of others.

~ Mope about your faults.

~ Never make New Year’s resolutions again.

One Liner

Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment