A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said, “and you can have him for five dollars.”

The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There’s no such animal.”

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. “Please buy me, Sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”

“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”

“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”

One Liner

The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

SCIENCE FAIR RESPONSES

Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:

– Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.

– The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

– Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

– Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

– Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

– A monsoon is a French gentleman.

– The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

– To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

– When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

– For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

– Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

One Liner

Man, I had the slowest, rudest, nastiest cashier today. That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane.

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

One Liner

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.

Kathryn’s 5-year-old developed a strong interest in spelling once she learned to spell STOP. After that, she tried to figure out her own words. From the back seat of the car she’d ask, “Mom, what does FGRPL spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn said.

Sitting at breakfast she’d suddenly ask, “Mom, what does DOEB spell?”

“Nothing,” Kathryn answered.

This went on for several weeks. Then one afternoon as they sat coloring in her room she asked, “Mom, what does LMDZ spell?”

Kathryn smiled at her and said, “Nothing, sweetheart.”

The 5-year-old carefully set down her crayon, sighed and said, “Boy, there sure are a lot of ways to spell Nothing!”

One Liner

I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time consuming.

A waiter brings the customer his dinner, with his thumb firmly clamped on the steak.

“Are you crazy?” yells the customer. “Don’t bring my food with your hand all over it!”

“What,” answers the waiter, “you want it to fall on the floor again?”

One Liner

Double Bogie: “Casablanca” followed by “African Queen”

YOU KNOW YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN…

* You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
* Instant coffee takes too long.
* You chew on other people’s fingernails.
* You answer the door, before people knock.
* You sleep with your eyes open.
* You go to sleep, just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
* You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
* You’re the employee of the month at Starbucks – and you don’t even work there.
* You help your dog chase its tail.
* You lick your coffeepot clean.
* You’re so wired you pick up FM radio.
* You have a picture of your coffee mug, on your coffee mug.

One Liner

A perfectionist is someone who takes great pains, and gives them to everyone else.

One Sunday after church Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.

Her daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.”  Needless to say, Mom was perplexed.

Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea.  Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about.

He said, “Be not afraid, Thy comforter is coming.”

One Liner

Ever feel like life is a car wash and you’re on a bicycle?