A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.
One turned to the other and said, “You know why I’m going to win this election? Because of my ‘personal touch.’ For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me.”
“Oh, is that so?” replied the other. “I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you.”
One Liner
Lemonade is the only fruit drink where 100% juice is not desirable.
Early one evening a gentleman scuttled out to his garage and pulled the lawn furniture out onto the driveway. Shortly after followed the lawnmower, a few gardening tools and a bicycle.
A curious neighbor wandered over and asked – from a distance – if he was going to have a garage sale.
“No,” replied the gentleman, “my son just bought his first car and right now he’s getting ready for a big date. He’ll be taking the car out soon to pick up the girl.”
“So what’s with all the stuff?” asked the neighbor.
“Well, after years of moving tricycles, toys and sports equipment out of the way every time I came home from work, I wanted to make sure the driveway was ready for him.”
One Liner
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
The passenger tapped the Uber driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the car, then the driver said, “Look mister, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!”
The passenger apologized and said he didn’t realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, “You’re right. I’m sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as an Uber driver. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 15 years.”
One Liner
I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.
There was this guy who always seemed to lean slightly to the left all the time. His friend suggested he see a doctor to have his legs checked out.
The guy refused. . . said his friend was crazy.
But he finally went and, sure enough, the doctor discovered his left leg was shorter than his right!
A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later he was cured; both legs were exactly the same length and he didn’t lean left anymore.
His friend said, “You didn’t believe me when I told you a doctor could fix your leg.”
The guy said: “I stand corrected.”
One Liner
Getting a hair stuck in your mouth has to be a million times more gross when you’re bald.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
One Liner
Heard a rumor about peanut butter…don’t want to spread it.
A man was very sick. Doctors feared the worst. He is at home one day, resting in his bed. He looks up and says, “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies, “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you.”
The man goes, “Are my children here?”
“Yes, Daddy, we are all here,” say the children.
“Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say, “Yes, we are all here…”
The man sits up and says, “Then why in the world is the light on in the kitchen?”
One Liner
I have a million-dollar figure — but it’s all loose change.
Joe’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the “miracle” products, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Hey, wait a minute!” Joe interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
One Liner
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing – but it let out a little whine.
After years of scrimping and saving, a husband told his wife the good news, “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979!”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said the husband, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
One Liner
When they finish a new hive, bees have a house swarming party.
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