A student burst into his professor’s office and says, “Professor, I don’t believe I deserve this F grade that you’ve given me!”

To which the professor replied, “I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the university will allow me to award.”

One Liner

Dear Week, I’m so over you. I’m leaving you for your best friend Weekend.

First man: I hear the First National Bank is looking for a new teller.

Second man: I thought they just hired a new teller last week.

First man: Right. That’s the one they’re looking for.

One Liner

Smile. Keep everyone confused. 

A woman in our diet club was lamenting that she had gained weight. She’d made her family’s favorite cake over the weekend, she reported, and they’d eaten half of it at dinner. 

The next day, she said, she kept staring at the other half, until finally she cut a thin slice for herself. One slice led to another, and soon the whole cake was gone. The woman went on to tell us how upset she was with her lack of willpower, and how she knew her husband would be disappointed. 

Everyone commiserated, until someone asked what her husband said when he found out. She smiled. “He never found out. I made another cake and ate half!” 

One Liner

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? 

A motorcycle cop was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.

The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second surgery the doctors hadn’t told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the ultra sticky kind. Written in large black letters was the sentence, “Get well soon! Luv, from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week!”

One Liner

Teamwork means not having to take all the blame yourself.

A guy in a taxi wanted to speak to the driver so he leaned forward and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, jumped up in the air and yanked the wheel over. The car mounted the curb, demolished a lamppost and came to a stop inches from a shop window. 

The startled passenger said “I didn’t mean to frighten you, I just wanted to ask you something.” 

The taxi driver says “It’s not your fault, sir. It’s my first day as a cab driver…I’ve been driving a hearse for the past 25 years.”

One Liner

You’re never too old to learn something stupid. 

We were sitting in church a few weeks ago while the minister delivered a sermon based on the timeless story of the prodigal son. When he got to the point where the father sees his son returning and races out to meet him, the minister said, “Throwing wide his arms, the father said…”

At which point my younger son leaned over to me and whispered, “YOU’RE GROUNDED!”

One Liner

I accidentally sat on my phone and Siri suggested several local gyms.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

Then I said: “Turn left here.”

One Liner

I’m a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!