Think of the biggest number you can.

Now add five.

Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies.

Wow, that’s five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

One Liner
I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn’t work.

A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C., (whose husband was out of the country) gets in a car accident and is knocked unconscious.

When she wakes up 3 days later she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, “Ma’am you had twins! – a boy and a girl. We couldn’t reach your husband and since your brother was the first one here the day they were born we let him name them for you.”

The woman thinks to herself, “No, not my brother … he’s not very bright!”

She asks the doctor, “Well, what’s the girl’s name?”

“Denise.”

“Wow, that’s not a bad name, I like it! What’s the boy’s name?”

“Denephew.”

Onr Liner
Last year I joined a group for antisocial people. We haven’t met yet.

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Two goober moose hunters are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, “This little plane won’t lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You’ll have to leave one. We’d never make it over the trees on the take off.”

“That’s baloney,” says one of the hunters.

“Yeah,” the other agrees, “you’re just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn’t afraid to take off!”

“Yeah,” said the first hunter, “and his plane wasn’t any bigger than yours!”

The pilot got angry, and said, “If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!”

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn’t have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, “Where are we?”

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, “I’d say about a hundred yards further than last year.”

One Liner
Think about this: Every time you clean something, you make something else dirty.

While sitting at a counter having doughnuts and coffee at a ‘quick stop’ service station, two brothers were startled to see a man step up to the cashier, holding a gun and demanding all his money. Not being satisfied with that, he made all the customers line up and proceeded to take all their valuables: watches, billfolds, etc.

As he made his way from person to person in the line, the two brothers stood waiting at the end of the line. One brother carefully reached into his pocket, pulling out some cash and slipping it into his brother’s hand.

“What’s that?” his brother whispered.

“That’s the $20 I owe you.” he replied.

One Liner
I like elephants. Everything else is irrelephant.

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* “Ronnie would not finish his work last night. He said his brain was too tired of spelling.”

* “Eric hurt his knee in a karate tournament over the weekend. He won his age group, but was in too much pain to do his math assignment.”

* “Amy did not do her homework last night because we went out to a party and did not get home until late. If she is tired, please let her sleep during recess time.”

* “Henry stayed home because he had a stomach ache from eating too much frosting.”

* “It was my fault Mike did not do his math homework last night. His pencil broke and we do not have a pencil sharpener at home.”

* “Scott didn’t practice last night because he lost his tooth in the mouthpiece of his trumpet.”

* “Diane was late on Wednesday. She fell asleep on the bus and was taken back to the bus yard.”

* “Cody was absent yesterday because we were out bowling until 2 AM.”

* “Tommy wasn’t in school yesterday because he thought it was Saturday.”

One Liner
I swear the me that buys groceries and the me that actually cooks are two entirely different people.

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One Sunday morning when my son, David, was about 5, we were attending a church in our community. It was common for the preacher to invite the children to the front of the church and have a small lesson before beginning the sermon. He would bring in an item they could find around the house and relate it to a teaching from the Bible.

This particular morning, the visual aid for his lesson was a smoke detector. He asked the children if anyone knew what it meant when an alarm sounded from the smoke detector.

My child immediately raised his hand and said, “It means Daddy’s cooking dinner.”

One Liner
I have a severe nonlinear waterfowl issue! (I don’t have all my ducks in a row.)