Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”

Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”

Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”

One Liner

How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group? Just look for the grey hares.

TRUTHS ABOUT CHILDREN

– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

– Having children will turn you into your parents.

– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

– Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

One Liner

I lost my job at the bank on the very first day. A customer asked me to check his balance and I pushed him over.

A woman answered the phone; it was a salesman calling from a mortgage company.

He: “Do you have a second mortgage on your home?”   

She: “No.”

He: “Would you like to consolidate all your debts?”   

She: “I really don’t have any debts.”

He: “How about freeing up cash for home improvements?”

She: “I don’t need any.  I just recently had some done and paid cash.”

…brief silence…

He: “Are you looking for a husband?”

One Liner

An Illinois man is suing Smart Water for not making him smart. I think I will formally declare my lawsuit against Thin Mints.

Fresh out of seminary, a young pastor found an associate position at a prestigious church. One Sunday early on, he was given the opportunity to preach. He prepared diligently – perhaps a bit too excited to use all the learning he’d acquired – and worked hard to make his words eloquent and smooth.

Shaking hands at the end of the service, he was approached by one of the older ladies who was known and respected in both the church and community.

“Sir,” she said with a smile, “your sermon was like the peace of God!”

The young preacher’s grin widened and his chest puffed a bit … until she continued on, “it surpassed ALL understanding!”

One Liner

My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.

An antelope and a lion entered a diner and took a booth near the window. When the waiter approached, the antelope said, “I’ll have a bowl of hay and a side order of radishes.”

“And what would your friend have?”

“Nothing,” replied the antelope. 

The waiter persisted, “Isn’t he hungry?”

“Hey, if he were hungry,” said the antelope, “would I be sitting here?”

One Liner

I don’t trip, I do random gravity checks.

WAYS TO ANNOY PEOPLE

~ Leave the photocopier set to “reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper, 99 copies.”

~ Sit in your yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

~ Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”

~ Sing along at the opera.

~ Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”

~ Staple papers in the middle of the page.

~ Honk and wave to strangers.

~ Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

~ TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.

~ Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”

~ Go to a poetry recital and after each poem ask why it doesn’t rhyme.

One Liner

Here’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting a tomato in a fruit salad.

WORDS YOU WON’T FIND IN THE DICTIONARY

1) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.

2) Faunacated (adj.) How wildlife ends up when its environment is destroyed. Hence faunacatering (v.), which has made a meal of many species.

3) Grantartica (n.) The cold, isolated place where art companies dwell without funding.

4) Hemaglobe (n.) The bloody state of the world.

5) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

6) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

7) Lullabuoy (n.) An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.

One Liner

One big difference between men and women is that if a woman says, “Smell this,” it usually smells nice.

The student asked the professor how many problems there would be on the final exam.

The professor looked the student over and replied, “I think you will have lots of problems on the final.”

One Liner
A few puns make me numb, but math puns make me number.