A second-grade teacher, explaining the concept of rules, asked the students what rules their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

The first child offered: “Don’t play with your food”

The second said: “Use your inside voice”

The third piped up: “Order something cheap”

One Liner
The English teacher felt nostalgic. He found the past perfect and the present tense.

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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

“Great idea!” the chicken cried. “Let’s offer them ham and eggs?”

“Not so fast,” said the pig. “For you, that’s a contribution. For me, it’s a total commitment.”

One Liner
Scientists have finally discovered exactly how much sleep a human needs … just 5 minutes more.

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There were two men shipwrecked on this island. The minute they got on to the island one of them started screaming and yelling, “We’re going to die! We’re going to die!  There’s no food!  No water!  We’re going to die!”

The second man was propped up against a palm tree and acting so calmly it drove the first man crazy. “Don’t you understand?!? We’re going to die!!”

The second man replied, “You don’t understand, I make $100,000 a week.”

The first man looked at him quite dumbfounded and asked, “What difference does that make?!?  We’re on an island with no food and no water! We’re going to DIE!!!”

The second man answered, “You just don’t get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. My pastor will find me!”

One Liner
We keep a potato masher in the drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

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Lenora, 95-years-old and in excellent health, confided that she was terribly worried: “Every one of my friends has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went!”

One Liner
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly.

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My wife asked me this morning, “Whacha doin’ today?”

I said, “Nothing.”

She said, “That’s what you did yesterday.”

I said, “I wasn’t finished.”

One Liner
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare

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After cleaning his patient’s teeth, the dentist accompanied the five year old boy to the reception area, only to see him struggle with the oak door.

“It’s heavy, isn’t it?” asked the dentist.

“Yes,” he said. “Is that so children can’t escape?”

One Liner

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

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A young woman greeted the census taker. “Good morning,” said the caller, “I’m taking the census and I’d like to ask you a few questions. Occupation?”

“Homemaker,” replied the woman.

“Husband’s occupation?”

“Manufacturer.”

“Children?”

“No,” said the woman. “Dresses.”

One Liner

Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling, and I’m alive.

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A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the parish. 

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while
they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard
here.  I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first
person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set
and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He
had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an
affair with his best friend’s wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

“But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and
I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and
said: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I
had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

One Liner

I may look busy, but I’m just confused.

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