A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class: “And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, what do ya know?! A talking pig!”

One Liner
If cats could text you back, they would not.

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During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.

Later the sergeant reports to the chief, “Sorry sir, but they got away.”

The chief, very disappointed, says, “I told you to cover all exits.”

“I did,” replied the sergeant, “But they got away through the entrance.”

One Liner
I’m at that age where my mind still thinks I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I’m sure I’m not dead yet.


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Failure doesn’t mean – “You are a failure,”
It means – You have not succeeded.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You accomplished nothing,”
It means – You have learned something.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You have been a fool,”
It means – You had a lot of faith.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You don’t have it,”
It means – You were willing to try.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You are inferior,”
It means – You are not perfect.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ve wasted your life,”
It means – You have a reason to start afresh.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You should give up,”
It means – “You must try harder.

Failure doesn’t mean – “You’ll never make it,”
It means – It will take a little longer.

Failure doesn’t mean – “God has abandoned you,”
It means – God has a better way for you.

One Liner
Try to be a rainbow in someone else’s cloud.

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Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, “Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?”

The woman shot her an angry look, “How dare you talk about your father like that!”

One Liner
As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, one thing I’m sure of … it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the apartment because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, INSIDE?”

One Liner
It’s good to have self-confidence. It’s even better to have a reason for it.

WASHING A CAT – QUICK & EASY!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times.  This provides a “power wash and rinse” which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,
A DOG OWNER

One Liner
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the highway. Amazingly, there was no congestion for eight hours.

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