In a shop that sold religious items was a display of baseball caps with “WWJD” printed on them.

Customer: “WWJD?  What does that mean?”

Clerk: “WWJD stands for ‘What Would Jesus Do’ “

Customer: “Well, I’m pretty sure Jesus wouldn’t pay $23.95 for one of these baseball caps.”

One Liner
I disagree with unanimity. 

A tornado hit a Kansas farmhouse just before dawn one morning. It tore off the roof, and picked up the bed on which the farmer and his wife were sleeping. By some miracle, the cyclone set them down unharmed in the next county over. 

The wife was sobbing uncontrollably. “Don’t be scared, Mary,” her husband said. “We’re not hurt.” 

Mary continued to cry. “I’m not scared,” she said between sobs. “I’m happy…this is the first time in 14 years we’ve been out together.

One Liner
Why do they call it a “building”?  It’s all finished, isn’t it?  Why not call it a “built”?

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.

Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Bible in its mouth.

The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.

He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”

“Not really,” said the cow. “Your name was written inside the cover.”

One Liner
Went to the doctor yesterday and he asked me if obesity runs in m family? I told him no one runs in my family.

I’M A SENIOR CITIZEN…

I’m the life of the party…even when it lasts until 8 p.m.

I’m very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I’m usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.

I’m the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I’m smiling all the time because I can’t hear a word you’re saying.

I’m very good at telling stories…over and over and over and over.

I’m aware that other people’s grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I’m not grouchy, I just don’t like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, politicians…

I’m wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that’s just my left leg.

I’m having trouble remembering simple words like…uhhhh…ummmm

I’m sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I’m wondering, if you’re only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I’m supporting all movements now…by eating bran, prunes, and raisins.

One Liner
I’ve found that if you tuck one part of your pants legs into your sock, people expect less of you.

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. 

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good, and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH NOOO!” 

Then silence.

The captain finally came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am SO sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach shouted, “That’s nothing. He should see the back of mine!”

One Liner
My Saturday was going well until I realized it was Sunday.

A fellow was sitting in the doctor’s waiting room, and said to himself every so often, “Boy, I hope I’m sick!” 

After about the fifth or sixth time, the receptionist couldn’t stand it any longer, and asked, “Why in the world would you want to be sick, Mr. Adams?” 

The man replied, “I’d hate to be well and feel like this.” 

One Liner
The devil cannot get a stronghold on your life unless you give him a foothold. 

The minister’s little six-year-old girl had been so naughty during the week, that her mother decided to give her the worst kind of punishment. She told her she couldn’t go to the Sunday School Picnic on Saturday.

When the day came, her mother felt she had been too harsh and changed her mind. When she told the little girl she could go to the picnic, the child’s reaction was one of gloom and unhappiness.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be glad to go to the picnic.” her mother said.

“It’s too late!” the little girl said. “I’ve already prayed for rain!”

One Liner
A formalist is a man who can’t understand a theory unless it is meaningless.

My wife and teenage son belong to a local Tae Kwon Do club where they learn the strict rules of the discipline. The head instructor of the club is a highly-ranked black belt whose Tae Kwon Do title is “Sabumnim.” Away from class Sabumnim is a plumber named Dave.

One day, after making several futile attempts to unclog a blocked pipe, I called Dave to ask if he could stop by and take care of it. An hour later, he pulled up in his truck just as we were going out the door.

As he came up the walk, my wife and son, ever mindful of their martial-arts etiquette, stood rigidly at attention and bowed deeply from the waist. Dave gave a quick nod in return and went on into the house.

Just then, I saw my next-door neighbor standing in his yard, watching us with a perplexed look on his face. “Wow,” he said. “That guy must be one great plumber!”

One Liner
I sometimes just make my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Ironically when I do, I get halfway to work before I realize I left my car at home.