John goes to see his supervisor in the front office.
“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”
“We’re short-handed, John,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”
“Thanks, boss,” says John, “I knew I could count on you!”
One Liner
I got myself a Senior GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.
A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.
The wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?” He
moved over and sat close to her.
“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He
reached over and held her tight.
“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and
nibble on my ear?”
With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. “Where
are you going?” she asked.
“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to go and get my teeth.”
One Liner
Had a slight headache this morning but felt much better after following the
directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo.
Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”
As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums!”
Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,
“Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”
One Liner
Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!
A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”
The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”
One Liner
My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.
I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.
She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and ultimately I’m perfect!
Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.
One Liner
Not a single person asked if I could run fast in my new shoes today. Being an adult is stupid.
Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.
“Taking a little break,” I explained. “I’m in my first trimester.”
“Really?” he said. “What’s your major?”
One Liner
When people say, “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” What good is a stupid cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead??
My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.
“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”
“No.”
“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”
“Some other time; I’m busy.”
“Dad, you have to meet them now.”
From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.
“Where are they?” I asked.
“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”
One Liner
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
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