Patient: Doctor! Doctor! You have to help me out!

Doctor: Certainly, which way did you come in?

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I keep thinking I’m a mosquito

Doctor: Go away, sucker!

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Have you got something for a bad headache?

Doctor: Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you’ll have a bad headache.

——
Patient: Doctor! Doctor! Will this ointment clear up my spots?

Doctor: I never make rash promises.

One Liner

I am resilient. I can handle so many things in life but hearing people chew is not one of them.

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My wife and I were at my high school reunion.

As I looked around, I noticed the other men in their expensive suits and their bulging stomachs. Proud of the fact that I weighed just five pounds more than I did when I was in high school, the result of trying to beat a living out of a rocky hillside farm, I said to my wife,

“I’m the only guy here who can still wear the suit he wore when he graduated.”

She glanced at the prosperous crowd, then back at me, and said,

“You’re the only one who has to.”

One Liner

The worst thing about history is that every time it repeats itself, the price goes up.

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An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.

He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

One Liner

No one should live by the early bird policy until learning whether they classify as a bird or a worm.

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My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

One Liner
When God made me, He grinned and said, “This’ll be fun.”

The symphony musicians had little confidence in the person brought in to be their new conductor.

Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage.

The music stopped. The conductor, highly agitated, looked angrily around the orchestra, demanding, “Who did that? Who did that?”   

One Liner
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes…so she hugged me.  

The young boy was spending a Sunday afternoon with his grandpa. Looking at pictures of his grandpa in his military uniform, the boy asked, “Grandpa, did you ever kill anyone in the war?”

“No champ, I never did.”

“That’s a good thing.”

“You’re telling me,” began grandpa, “I was the cook!”

One Liner
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

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