A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play one hole at Pebble Beach, California the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the green that is on a spit of land that juts out off the coast.

It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball always fell short, into the ocean. Because of this he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick.

Recently he went to Pebble Beach to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball and said a silent prayer.

Before he hit it however, a powerful voice from above said, “WAIT…REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW BALL.”

He complied, with some slight misgiving, despite the fact that the Lord seemed to be implying that He was going to let him finally achieve his lifelong ambition.

As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: “WAIT…STEP BACK… TAKE A PRACTICE SWING.”

So he stepped back and took a practice swing.

The voice boomed out again, “TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING.”

He did. Silence followed.

Then the voice spoke out again: “PUT BACK THE OLD BALL.”

One Liner

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae school.

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. 

A student nurse found one elderly gentleman–already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet–who insisted he didn’t need any help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let let the nurse wheel him to the elevator.  On the way down she asked him if his wife was meeting him.

“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

One Liner

What did the elephant say when the crocodile bit off his trunk? “It won’t be long now!”

Two beefy men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen. Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before the job was done.

As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in place.

The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.

I really had no choice but to pay them.

As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang. It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.

I told them my fee was $45.

One Liner

Did you hear about that guy who used to be addicted to soap? He’s clean now.

A science teacher decided to conduct an experiment to show his students the benefits of a healthy lifestyle. He took four jam jars. In jar one he put cigarette smoke. In jar two, alcohol. In jar three junk food and in jar four good clean dirt. He then put an earthworm into each jar, sealed them and put them in a cupboard.

At the end of a week he took the jars out and showed them to the students, saying. “Look, the worm in the cigarette smoke is dead, the worm in the alcohol is dead, and the worm in the junk food is dead. However, the worm in the dirt is alive and well. What do we learn from this?”

One young student put up his hand and said, “If we smoke, drink alcohol and eat junk food, we won’t get worms.”

One Liner

Mosquitoes are the most beautiful singers in the whole world. Even though we don’t like them, we still clap.

I got the strangest recording when I called the phone company the other day.

It said, “You have been connected to the correct department on the first try. This is against company policy. Please hang up and redial.”

One Liner

Some people like raw meat on rare occasions.

Woke up at 5:00 a.m.

Completed my 8k run.

Came home and made a vegetable smoothie.

Sorry, I don’t remember the rest of the dream.

One Liner

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.