Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

The first man said, “My wife was reading a ‘Tale of Two Cities’ and she gave birth to twins!”

“That’s funny,” the second man remarked, “my wife was reading ‘The Three Musketeers’ and she gave birth to triplets!”

The third man shouted, “OH NO, I have to rush home!”

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, “When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!!!”

One Liner

The finest shoes are made of smooth leather. My opinion will never be suede.

A man goes skydiving for the first time.

After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the plane. After a bit, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again. Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going *up*! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells,

“Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

One Liner

Sweat is nature’s way of saying your muscles are crying.

Doctor: Are you still taking the cough medicine I gave you?

Patient: No, I tasted it and decided I’d rather have the cough.

One Liner

The union workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said Little Johnny.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Wow! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner

The fact that Arkansas and Kansas are pronounced differently bothers me way more than it should.

A young clergyman, fresh out of seminary, thought it would help him better understand the world if he served as a policeman for a while before taking on a congregation.

He studied hard and passed the exams; worked himself buff to pass the physical; and then came the all-important final interview.

One question was: “What would you do to disperse a frenzied crowd?”  He promptly responded, “I would pass an offering plate.”

He got the job.

One Liner

I heard the word “icy” was easy to spell. Looking at it now I can see why.

A researcher arrives in Borneo to gather data for his thesis. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out a very remote locale for researching the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra.

Around dusk of the first day, he’s sitting by the campfire with his guide when in the distance, he hears tribal drums. They get louder. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Dusk turns to evening. The drums get louder. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Evening turns to dead of night. The drums get louder and louder, until it is obvious that the drummers must be quite close. The guide hollers this time, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums.”

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out, “Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”

One Liner

Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay for a large staff to study the problem.