The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded to know. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”

The employee was baffled.  “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

One Liner
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”

One Liner

The time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? 1 bananosecond

TWELVE REASONS WHY I STOPPED ATTENDING SPORTS EVENTS

~ Every time I went, they asked me for money.

~ The people with whom I had to sit by didn’t seem very friendly.

~ The seats were too hard and not comfortable at all.

~ The coach never came to call on me.

~ The referee made a decision with which I could not agree.

~ I was sitting with some hypocrites — they came only to see what others were wearing.

~ Some games went into overtime, and I was late getting home.

~ The band played some numbers that I had never heard before.

~ The games are scheduled when I want to do other things.

~ My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.

~ Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches anyhow.

~ I don’t want to take my children, because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

I’m about 3 pounds from Google Maps listing me as a roundabout

John: I wish I had the money to buy an elephant. 

Adam: What do you want with an elephant?

John: Nothing, I just want the money.

One Liner

Be alert. The world needs more lerts.

The teacher heard one of her students, Johnny, use some off-color language and was shocked. 

“Johnny Martin, don’t you ever use language like that again, not near me, not in school, not anywhere!  Where on earth did you learn that?” 

“I got it from my dad, Miss Rollins,” replied Johnny. 

“Well, your father should be ashamed. I doubt you even know what all that means?” 

“Oh Miss Rollins, I do,” said Johnny. “It means the car won’t start.”

One Liner

Based on the amount of laundry I do each week, I’m beginning to think there are people who live here that I haven’t met yet. 

TELL TALE SIGNS YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO AT WORK

– You’ve read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2025.

– You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

– You’ve definitively figured out a way to get Gilligan OFF the island.

– People come into your office frequently…to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

– The 5th Division of Paperclips has completely overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

– You forward this joke to friends.

One Liner

Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough.

A man went to his Accountant and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?” 

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the Accountant. 

“Nope,” replied the man. 

“OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you,” said the Accountant. 

“But it’s only $500,” replied the man. 

“Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!” 

One Liner

Whoever said “Out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear in the bedroom.