A friend of mine bought a new car that sported an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when he got into the car to drive to church, the digital display lit up.
Glancing at the readout, he chuckled at the announcement:
“Time for service.”
One Liner
You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
Billy Brown decided it was time to buy a new house, so he decided to sell his old house and put the matter in a real estate agent’s hands.
The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
After Bill read it, he turned to the agent and asked, “Does my house have everything your ad says it does?”
The agent said, “It certainly does. Why do you ask?”
Bill replied, “Cancel the sale. It’s exactly what I’m looking for.”
One Liner
I finally watched the documentary about clocks. It was about time.
I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
“Why?” my granddaughter asked.
“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.
At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”
I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff. It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”
“Exactly,” I replied.
One Liner
Telling someone to calm down is like baptizing a cat.
A herd of buffalo were grazing on the range when a tourist said, “Those are the mangiest, scroungiest beasts I have ever seen.”
One buffalo turned to the other and said, “You know…I think I just heard a discouraging word.”
One Liner
If you tear a hole in a net, you have fewer holes than you started with.
A man goes into the doctor. He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks.”
“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has this been going on?” the doctor asked.
“That’s nothing Doc. put your ear to my knee.”
The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 dollars, just lend me 10 bucks!!”
“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.
“Wait Doc, that’s not it. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.
The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks please if you will.”
“I have no idea what to tell you,” the doctor said. “There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said as he frantically searched all his medical reference books. “I can make a well educated guess though. Based on life and all my previous experience I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”
One Liner
I made a huge to-do list today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
A man entered a pet shop, wanting to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed out three identical parrots on a perch and said, “The parrot to the left costs $500.”
“Why does that parrot cost so much?” the man wondered.
The owner replied, “Well, it knows how to use a computer.”
The man asked about the next parrot on the perch.
“That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to build websites.”
Naturally, the startled customer asked about the third parrot.
“That one costs $2,000.”
“And what does that one do?” the man asked.
The owner replied, “To be honest, I’ve never seen him do a thing, but the other two call him boss.”
One Liner
I love flying. I’ve been to almost as many places as my luggage.
Doug went to the eye doctor for an examination because he was having trouble reading the newspaper. “Now that you’re over 40,” the doctor told him, “you’ve developed a condition called ‘presbyopia,’ in which the lens of your eye can no longer focus as well as it used to.”
Seeing his worried look, the doctor tried to be upbeat. “Congratulations!” he said. “You’re now officially a presbyope!”
Doug leaned over and asked seriously, “If that means I’m no longer a Roman Catholic, do I still have to go to Confession?”
One Liner
How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in the group? Just look for the grey hares.
TRUTHS ABOUT CHILDREN
– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
– Having children will turn you into your parents.
– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
– Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
One Liner
I lost my job at the bank on the very first day. A customer asked me to check his balance and I pushed him over.
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