Christmas was fast approaching. Mom reminded her 8-year-old that he would soon be visiting with Santa Claus. He seemed unusually resistant to the idea. So she asked, “You do believe in Santa, don’t you?”

He thought hard, then said, “Yes, but I think this is the last year.”

One Liner

One snowman said to the other, “All our friends are flakes.”

I used my best shower singing voice and did an audition try out to become a member of the local Christmas choir.

After the audition, I asked the director how I did. He said, “You sounded fine! I will have you sing a solo.”

“You mean…by myself right up front,” I asked?

“No,” he said, “I mean you should sing so low that we can’t hear you.”

One Liner

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive Christmastime, don’t you?

A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from one city to another. He got as far as the mountains when it just became too much and he could go no farther.

He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours he hadn’t gotten a single person to stop. Finally a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn’t fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he got to going too fast to honk the horn on his bike and he would slow down.

Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the bike took off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes–both going well over 120 mph–blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had 2 Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, “And you’re not going to believe this, but there’s guy on a 10-speed bike honking to pass.”

One Liner

I知 a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

THANKSGIVING FORECAST 

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. 

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. 

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator. 

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

One Liner

I don’t think it’s fair that only roosters can start the day screaming.

A guy bought his wife a piano for her birthday.  A few weeks later his buddy asked how she was doing with it.

“Actually,” said the guy, “I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet.”

“How come?” asked his buddy

“Well,” said the guy, “with a clarinet she can’t sing.”

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

One Liner

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Fric: I was going to dance down a spiral staircase for your birthday, but I decided not to. 

Frac: Why not?

Fric: Because I am a Fred Astaires.

One Liner

A surgeon told me he puts organs back in upside down. I told him that it wasn’t funny, but he laughed and said it was an inside joke.