FRUITCAKE RECIPE

1. Go to the crafts store.

2. Purchase one or more bags of dried fruit, some plaster of paris, brown paint and a disposable cake pan.

3. Return home.

4. Unwrap the dried fruit, carefully folding the wrapper inside-out and placing it at the bottom of your trash can. Better yet, send it through your personal paper shredder and use it for insulation in the attic.

5. Mix the plaster of paris with water and pour into the disposable cake pan. Place dried fruit on top, gently pushing in so it looks “baked” in the “batter.” Let dry.

6. Take your “fruitcake” out of the disposable cake pan.

7. Cover the top, bottom and sides with brown paint, avoiding the fruit.

8. Wrap your “fruitcake” in festive, colored saran wrap and finish with a bow. I like using red wrap because it gives a warm glow to the “fruitcake.”

9. Give your “fruitcake” to someone you want to impress. When they lift it, they’ll say, “Wow! You must have made a really rich fruitcake!” Don’t forget to smile and say, “Oh, its Paris-style fruitcake.”

10. Don’t worry about someone trying to eat your fruitcake. Nobody actually eats fruitcake … that’s just a rumor. Just so you know, the dried fruit won’t go “bad” because it has the same preservatives as Twinkies, which have a shelf-life of about 237 years.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. Most of the time. Once in a while. I’ll buy my own stuff.

CHRISTMAS COOKIE RULES – Part 2

6. Cookies colored red or green have very few calories. Red ones have three and green ones have five – one calorie for each letter. Make more red ones!

7. Cookies eaten while watching “Miracle on 34th Street” have no calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel.

8. As always, cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

9. Any cookies consumed from someone else’s plate have no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to their plate. We all know how calories like to CLING!

10. Any cookies consumed while feeling stressed have no calories because cookies used for medicinal purposes NEVER have calories. It’s a rule!

One Liner

How do you get into a reindeer’s house? Ring the deer-bell

Christmas Cookie Rules – part 1

1. If you eat a Christmas cookie fresh out of the oven, it has no calories because everyone knows that the first cookie is the test and thus calorie free.

2. If you drink a diet soda after eating your second cookie, it also has no calories because the diet soda cancels out the cookie calories.

3. If a friend comes over while you’re making your Christmas cookies and needs to sample, you must sample with your friend. Because your friend’s first cookie is calorie free (rule #1), yours is also. It would be rude to let your friend sample alone and, being the friend that you are, that makes your cookie calorie free.

4. Any cookie calories consumed while walking around will fall to your feet and eventually fall off as you move. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

5. Any calories consumed during the frosting of the Christmas cookies will be used up because it takes many calories to lick excess frosting from a knife without cutting your tongue.

One Liner

Dear Santa, I can explain.

Dick: Great news! Teacher said we would have a test rain or shine.

Jane: What’’ so great about that?

Dick: It’s snowing.

One Liner

The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

The Sunday School Christmas play was in full swing, but when the pastor asked, “What was it that guided the wise men from the East?” 

Right on cue the pre-schoolers, each with one large letter in their hands, turned their letters to face the audience. However, the last four kids in the lineup had somehow gotten out of sequence and the answer clearly shown in large bold letters was:

C H R I S T M A S    R A T S 

One Liner

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.             

THE TOP SEVEN THINGS OVERHEAD ON THE WISE MEN’S JOURNEY TO BETHLEHEM:

7 – Man, I’m starting to get a rush from this frankincense!

6 – You guys ever eat camel meat? I hear it tastes like chicken.

5 – You know, I used to go to school with a girl name Beth Lehem.

4 – What kind of name is Balthazar anyhow?  Phoenician?

3 – Hey, do you either of you know why “MYRRH” is spelled with a “Y” instead of a “U”?

2 – Okay, whose camel just spit?

1 – All this staring at a star while riding a camel is making me woozy.

One Liner

Good Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Easter. Bad Idea: Finding Easter eggs on Christmas

In class little Johnny drew a picture of his favorite Christmas carol, Silent Night.  

His Sunday School teacher said, “Very good Johnny. I see the manger with baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph, the star, and the shepherds, and three wise men. But who is the overweight gentleman over in the corner?”  

And little Johnny replied, “That’s round John Virgin.”

One Liner

What is the most favorite Christmas carol of parents? Silent Night

It was at the end of the year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving Xmas gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. 

She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.”

“That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.  

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” 

“That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. 

“Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher. 

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking.

She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

“Is it wine?” she asked. 

“No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

“Is it champagne?” she asked. 

“No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. 

The teacher took one more taste before declaring “I give up, what is it?” 

With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!” 

One Liner

Q. Who says “Oh, Oh, Oh!”?  
A. Santa walking backwards.