TEN REASONS FARM TRUCKS ARE NEVER STOLEN

10. They have a range of about 20 miles before they overheat, breakdown or run out of gas.

9. Only the owner knows how to operate the door to get in or out.

8. It is difficult to drive fast with all the fence tools, grease rags, ropes, chains, syringes, buckets, boots and loose papers in the cab.

7. It takes too long to start and the smoke coming up through the rusted-out floorboard clouds your vision.

6. The Border Collie on the toolbox looks mean.

5. They’re too easy to spot. The description might go something like this: The driver’s side door is red, the passenger side door is green, the right front fender is yellow, etc.

4. The large round bale in the back makes it hard to see if you’re being chased. You could use the mirrors if they weren’t cracked and covered with duct tape.

3. Top speed is only about 45 mph.

2. Who wants a truck that needs a year’s worth of maintenance, u-joints, $3,000 in body work, tail-lights and windshield.

1. It is hard to commit a crime with everyone waving at you.

One Liner
I’ve got big news for musicians wanting that perfect sound! Stay tuned!

Husband’s text message (by cellphone):

Honey, I was involved in a car accident. Paula brought me to the hospital.

They have been making tests and taking X-rays.

The blow to my head was pretty bad. Fortunately, but seems that it did not cause any serious injury.

But I do have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife’s response:

Who is Paula?

One Liner
It’s pretty obvious that if I run in front of a car, I will get tired but if I run *behind* a car, I will get exhausted.

Doctor: “I see you’re over a month late for your appointment. Don’t you know that nervous disorders require prompt and regular attention? What’s your excuse?”

Patient: “I was just following your orders, Doc.”

Doctor: “Following my orders? What are you talking about? I gave you no such order.”

Patient: “You told me to avoid people who irritate me.”

One Liner
Ate a box of Girl Scouts’ Thin Mints cookies. Didn’t get thinner. I don’t think they work.

A woman isn’t feeling well and goes into Urgent Care:

Nurse: “have you experienced a sudden loss of taste?”

Patient: “No, I’ve always dressed this way.”

One Liner
Children are like pancakes. The first one always comes out a little weird.

One beautiful Sunday morning, the pastor announced to the congregation:

“My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes; a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour; and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

“Now, we’ll take the collection to see which one you want.”

One Liner
My counselor says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Ha! We’ll see about that!

THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDREN

– A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

– A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

– An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

– Familiarity breeds children.

– Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

– If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

– It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

– Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

– You can learn many things from children … like how much patience you have.

– Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

One Liner
Most people drive far too fast to worry about cholesterol.

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says “Congratulations!”

“Congratulations for what?” asks the lawyer.

“Congratulations for what?!?” says Saint Peter. “We’re celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old.”

“But that’s not true,” says the lawyer. “I only lived to be forty.”

“That’s impossible,” says Saint Peter. “We’ve added up your time sheets.”

One Liner
I like to make lists. I also like to leaves lists on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list when I get to the store. Fun game.

“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate visitors.