“What’s your father’s occupation?” asked the school secretary on the first day of the new academic year.

“He’s a magician, Ma’am” said the new boy.

“How interesting. What’s his favorite trick?”

“He saws people in half.”

“Gosh! Now, next question. Any brothers or sisters?”

“One half brother and two half sisters.”

One Liner
I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So, I threw him out. I hate visitors.

23RD PSALM FOR THE WORKPLACE

The Lord is my real boss and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray before I speak and to do all things without
murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my Source and not my job.
He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor
Him in everything I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of emails, system crashes, unrealistic
deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating
supervisors, and an aging body that doesn’t cooperate every morning, I
will not stop–for He is with me!

His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love are better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats every 401K there is.
When it’s all said and done, I’ll be working for Him a whole lot longer
and for that, I bless His Name.

One Liner
Pessimists complain about the wind. Optimists expect it to change. Realists adjust the sails.

One day at home the phone rings and Joe answers it. On the other end is a confused woman who asks, “Who is this?”

“This is Joe. With whom did you wish to speak with?”

After a pause the woman says, “Did you just say whom?”

“Yes, I did.”

“Then you’re definitely not my son!”

One Liner
I used to be a crastinator but then I decided to go pro.

A woman was shopping for a new dress to wear to her 30th year high school reunion where a bunch of teenage girls were also shopping for a dress for prom night.

“Eeeeewwwwwwww,” said one young girl, looking at the dress she was holding. “This dress makes me look like I’m 40!”

“Gimme that dress!” says the woman as she snatched the dress from the young girl’s hand. “That’s EXACTLY what I’m looking for!”

One Liner
I’m great at multi-tasking. I can listen, ignore, and forget all at once.

“I have to have a raise,” the man said to his boss. “There are three other companies after me.”

“Is that so?” asked the manager.  “What other companies are after you?”

“The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”

One Liner
I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.

The children were all lined up for their first confession when Little Johnny’s turn came. The priest asked him to confess his sins, and the boy promptly replied, “Father, I threw a stone at Jimmy.”

“That was a very misguided thing to do, my son,” said the priest patiently.

“It wasn’t misguided at all,” said Little Johnny. “I hit him.”

One Liner

Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one photo because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.

If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,

doesn’t it follow that. . .

electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?

Wouldn’t you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?

Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.

And won’t all composers one day decompose?

On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.

One Liner

Why did the Scarecrow get promoted? He was outstanding in the field.

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. “This is a talking dog,” he said, “and you can have him for five dollars.”

The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There’s no such animal.”

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. “Please buy me, Sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”

“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”

“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies.”

One Liner

The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to act idiotic.

SCIENCE FAIR RESPONSES

Responses to questions on 5th and 6th grade science tests:

– Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don’t, why you should.

– The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

– Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

– Mushrooms always grow in damp places, which is why they look like umbrellas.

– Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

– A monsoon is a French gentleman.

– The word “trousers” is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

– To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.

– When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

– For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

– Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

– One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

One Liner

Man, I had the slowest, rudest, nastiest cashier today. That’s the last time I use the self-checkout lane.

Most of us have a bad habit we are constantly trying to break. For me, it’s biting my fingernails.

One day I told my husband about my latest solution: press-on nails.

“Great Idea, Honey,” he smiled. “You can eat them straight out of the box.”

One Liner

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I turned myself around.