The psychiatrist was interviewing a new patient.

“You say you’re here,” he inquired, “because your family is worried about your taste in socks?”

“That’s correct,” muttered the patient. “I like wool socks.”

“But that’s perfectly normal,” replied the doctor. “Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks.”

“You DO?” exclaimed the man. “With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?”

One Liner
You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning? They don’t allow that in bowling. I know that now.

A moving van pulled up in front of the only vacant house in the neighborhood and started unloading.

Curtains twitched up and down the street as folks peeked out to watch the process.

After about an hour, one of the moving men unloaded a great big piece of white cardboard. He solemnly held it up for all to see: “That’s all, folks.”

One Liner
In the 60’s, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

One Easter Sunday morning as the pastor was preaching a children’s sermon, he reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked the children, “What’s in here?” 

“I know, I know!” a little boy exclaimed, “Pantyhose!”

One Liner

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

PERKS OF BEING 50 OR OLDER

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run…anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

One Liner
I’m as swift as a gazelle. An old one. With arthritis. Run over by a Land Rover. Eight days ago.

THE GRANDMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my granddaughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground. You don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All Grandmas know this stuff.  It’s on the Grandma Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Grandma.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa.”

“Exactly,” I replied.

One Liner
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe. I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Two mice are exploring a movie studio warehouse. One of them finds a bit of old celluloid and starts chewing.

“What’s that?” asks the other mouse.

“Let me see…”  says the first. “Ah, yes. It’s from ‘Gone With the Wind.’ “

“Is it good?” asks the second.

“Not so great,” replies the first. “The book was better.”

One Liner
What is in the middle of a jellyfish? Its jelly button.

Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.

“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”

Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”

One Liner
The world’s best antidepressant has 4 legs, a wagging tail, and comes with unconditional love.

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.

During the discussion, she asked, “Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?”

The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, “Probably 20 to life.”

One Liner
If the grass is greener on the other side, maybe there’s more manure.