The new pastor at a country church had some exciting ideas for the future. At the elders meeting he presented his vision with great energy and passion. The senior elder then called for a vote. All 12 elders voted “NAY”; only the pastor voted “AYE.”

The pastor was crestfallen, but just at that moment the clouds darkened, thunder rolled, and a streak of lightning burst through the window and struck the table at which they were sitting, throwing the pastor and all the elders to the ground.

As they all got up and dusted themselves off the senior elder said, “Well, that’s twelve votes to two then.”

One Liner
Beware of a new Amazon scam. My husband ordered me some expensive jewelry but motorcycle parts came instead! Thankfully, they fit his bike.

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope with a twenty dollar bill in it. The little girl took this home to her mother, who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take her first pay to the bank and open an account with it.

When they got to the bank the teller was equally impressed with the story and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I’ve been working with a crew building a house all week.”

“My goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again next week too?”

“I will if those useless idiots at the lumber yard ever bring us the @#&% wood,” replied the little girl.

One Liner
It’s weird being the same age as old people.

I read a story about a study that tied male obesity to a virus.

One evening my brother came home exhausted from a long day at work.

“Did you see that article?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m not going in to work tomorrow. I’m calling in fat.”

One Liner
My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

John goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

“Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.”

“We’re short-handed, John,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.”

“Thanks, boss,” says John, “I knew I could count on you!”

One Liner
I got myself a Senior GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

A couple who’d been married for over 50 years was sitting on the sofa.

The wife said, “Dear, do you remember how you used to sit close to me?” He
moved over and sat close to her.

“Dear,” she continued, “do you remember how you used to hold me tight?” He
reached over and held her tight.

“And,” she went on, “do you remember how you used to hug me and kiss me and
nibble on my ear?”

With that, her husband got up and started to walk out of the room. “Where
are you going?” she asked.

“Well,” answered the husband, “I have to go and get my teeth.”

One Liner
Had a slight headache this morning but felt much better after following the
directions on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.

A scientist goes out to research the behavior of the giant rat of Sumatra. Accompanied by his trusty guide, he seeks out the rats in the deep jungles of Borneo.

Suddenly, in the distance, they hear tribal drums. The guide announces, “I don’t like the sound of those drums.”

As they trek onward the drums get louder and louder until they sound quite close indeed. The guide says, “I really don’t like the sound of those drums!”

Suddenly the drums stop, and a voice from the darkness cries out,

“Hey man, he’s not our regular drummer!”

One Liner
Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.

A snail hitched a ride with a friendly turtle. As they reached an intersection another turtle came along and rammed into them!

A cop came and questioned the snail: “What happened here?”

The little snail replied, “I don’t know — it all happened so fast.”

One Liner
My favorite word is drool. It just rolls off the tongue.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I’m mature, I’m moral, I’m pure, I’m polite and ultimately I’m perfect!

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

One Liner
Not a single person asked if I could run fast in my new shoes today. Being an adult is stupid.

Pregnant with my third child, I was stricken with a bout of morning sickness and lay down on the living-room couch to rest. Just then one of the workmen who was doing repairs in my house walked by and gave me a curious look.

“Taking a little break,” I explained. “I’m in my first trimester.”

“Really?” he said. “What’s your major?”

One Liner

When people say, “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too.” What good is a stupid cake you can’t eat? What, should I eat someone else’s cake instead??

Dearest Dad,

I am coming home to get married soon. Can you help pay for a big wedding? I am presently in Australia and the boy I love lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Zoom, and we’ve stayed in touch through Viber. Dad, can I count on you for a big wedding?

Your favorite daughter, Lilly

Dad’s response

My Dearest Lilly,

Like Wow! Really? Cool! I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have a honeymoon on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal. And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on eBay! 

Love, Dad

One Liner
I always say “Thank you” to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I’m nice.