ADVICE FROM AN OLD FARMER

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives. 

~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer. 

~ Live a good, righteous life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time. 

~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none. 

~ Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. 

~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’. 

~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 

~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’. 

~ Always drink upstream from the herd. 

~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment. 

~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in. 

~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

One Liner

Nobody’s a complete idiot. There are always some parts missing.

MURPHY’s TECHNOLOGY LAWS

Murphy’s Technology Law #1: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

Murphy’s Technology Law #2: All’s well that ends… period.

Murphy’s Technology Law #3: A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

Murphy’s Technology Law #4: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Murphy’s Technology Law #5: A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

Murphy’s Technology Law #6: New systems generate new problems.

Murphy’s Technology Law #7: To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

Murphy’s Technology Law #8: We don’t know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

Murphy’s Technology Law #9: Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Murphy’s Technology Law #10: A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

One Liner
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

The Baptist minister had been summoned to the bedside of a Presbyterian woman who was quite ill. As he went up the walk, he met the little daughter of the woman and said to her, “I’m very glad your mother remembered me in her illness. Is your minister out of town?”

“No,” answered the child. “He’s at home, but we thought it might be something contagious, and we didn’t want to expose him to it.”

One Liner
I hate when I wake up for a glass of water in the middle of the night and eat a whole cheesecake.

The farmer’s favorite bull wasn’t doing well at all. The vet came and looked the animal over thoroughly, then reached in his black bag and pulled out a large pill. He forced open the bull’s mouth and crammed the pill down his gullet.

Suddenly the bull leaped into the air and took off like a bat out of hell, jumping every fence in his way.

The vet exclaimed, “Well, looks like your bull is healed!”

The farmer replied, “Great. Now give me one of those pills. I’ve gotta catch him!”

One Liner

The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

Employer: “We need someone responsible for this job.”

Applicant: “Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something
went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.”

One Liner
You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.

The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”

“I do.”

“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”

“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”

One Liner
About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE, Part 2

~ Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
~ Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
~ Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
~ Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
~ If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
~ Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
~ The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
~ Always drink upstream from the herd.
~ Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.
~ Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
~ If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

One Liner
Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

AN OLD FARMER’S ADVICE, Part 1

~ Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
~ Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
~ A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
~ Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.
~ Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.
~ Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
~ Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.
~ It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
~ You cannot unsay a cruel word.
~ Every path has a few puddles.
~ When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
~ The best sermons are lived, not preached.
~ Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

One Liner
It only takes one therapist to change a lightbulb but it must want to change.

I was teaching my Grade 1 class to tell time using a conventional analog clock. “We’ll be learning about the hour hand and the minute hand,” I explained.

One of the students interrupted and said, “I don’t need to learn on that kind of clock. My dad bought me this digital watch, and right now it’s ten minutes to 38.”

One Liner
Despite what some people think, since the world is 71% water that is NOT carbonated, one could accurately say that it’s technically flat.

One of my co-workers got a speeding ticket and was attending a defensive-driving course to have points erased from his license. The instructor, a police officer, emphasized that being on time was crucial and that the classroom doors would be locked when each session began.

Just after one class started, someone knocked on the locked door. The officer opened it and asked, “Why are you late?”

The student replied, “I was trying not to get another ticket.”

The officer let him in.

One Liner
I’ve got stained glass windows in our house. Stupid pigeons.