Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate emailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.

“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”

A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”

One Liner

The inventor of the doorbell did not own a dog.

People who do lots of work …  make lots of mistakes.

People who do less work …  make less mistakes.

People who do no work …  make no mistakes.

People who make no mistakes …  get promoted.

So that’s why I spend my time sending funny e-mails at work.  I want a promotion

One Liner
What has 5 fingers and is not your hand? My hand.

Three couples decided to meet at a local diner for breakfast and while they were eating the the first husband looks lovingly at his wife and said to her, “Please pass the the honey, honey.”  Well the second husband things to himself I cannot I need to step up his game so he he looks at his wife and said, “Please pass the sugar, sugar.”

The third husband starts to panic because he needs to hit his comment out of the park.  So he holds his wife’s hands and looks romantically into her eyes and says, “Please pass the tea…bag.  AND that’s when the fight started.

One Liner
The officer said, “You drinking?” I said, “You buying?” We just laughed and laughed…I need bail money.

In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic
conditions.

Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who
wrote the national anthem.

The bridge’s traffic problem is notorious; among some, it’s known as the Car
Strangled Spanner.

One Liner
If you get an email with the subject “Knock Knock,” don’t open it. It’s a
Jehovah Witness working from home.

We had built our dream house some years ago, and furnished it with quality pieces as we could afford them. Now the delivery truck carrying the last purchase, a new bedroom suite, was pulling into the driveway.

“Finally!” I exclaimed, flinging open the front door as the driver walked up to the house. “I’ve been waiting twelve years for this!”

“Don’t blame me, lady,” he said. “I just got the order this morning.”

One Liner
I just finished a 10-week course with my speech therapist and I can’t say thank you enough.

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner.  While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster.  “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'”

One Liner

I will no longer be “growing old,” I’ll be “going for a high score.” Who’s with me?

A state trooper stopped a Congressman for going 15 miles over the speed limit. 

After he handed him a ticket, the Congressman asked, “Don’t you give out warnings?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied. “They’re all up and down the road. They say, ‘Speed Limit 65.'”

One Liner
Purchase only that what you need, not what you greed.

A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

“Yeah, I’d say it’s your worst decision yet,” the plain-talking advisor replied.

Confused, the king asked, “Yet?”

To which the advisor replied, “Well, it’s not so bad that I think you’re incapable of making a worse decision.”

One Liner
I’m a social vegan. I avoid meet.

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

“What’s the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?” he demanded to know. “Half the audience walked out before I finished.”

The employee was baffled.  “I wrote you a 20-minute speech,” he replied. “And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for.”

One Liner
I smile because I have no idea what’s going on.

“Johnny, where’s your homework?” Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand.

“My dog ate it,” was his solemn response.

“Johnny, I’ve been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s true, Miss Martin, I swear it is,” insisted Johnny. “I had to smear it with honey, but I finally got him to eat it.”

One Liner

The time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement? 1 bananosecond